Iowa, New Hampshire and South Carolina -- Oh My!

Have you been keeping up with your Republican Presidential hopeful news?

To bring you up to date -- Mitt Romney didn't actually win the Iowa caucus by 8 votes. He actually lost to Rick Santorum by 34 votes. How hard is it to actually count votes and get it right?

And we won't have Rick Perry to kick around anymore. He's dropped out of the race and gone back to Texas to lick his wounds. Maybe a few more executions will cheer him up.

Tomorrow is the South Carolina primary. Herman Cain is still on the ballot and Stephen Colbert couldn't get his name on the ballot in time, so he is urging everyone to vote for Cain as a vote for Colbert.

We think this is starting to actually get fun.

GOP -- Greasy Old Politics

Now that Christmas is over it's back to politics as usual.

Today's question is: which contender for the GOP Presidential nominee is the slimiest dick? It's a very hard call.

We sort of miss Herman Cain, but alas, there were just too many women in his woodwork.

Let's consider Rick Perry. What do we know about him? He used to hunt at a place called Niggerhead. He likes guns and executing people. His wife seems as unstable as Kitty Dukakis on a bad day and God talks to both of them on a seemingly regular basis. He can't remember three things at a time and his campaign is costing the citizens of Texas $400,000 a day. Most recently he failed to collect 10,000 signatures to put his name on the Virginia primary. That's something he and Newt Gingrich have in common.

Newt has been around a long time so the coating of sliminess is quite thick on his Lego-like body. He likes to get married and usually has future wife lined up before he's finished with current wife. He was fined $300,000 for ethics' violations way back in 1997 by the House -- the first House Speaker to have been so treated. Who says he's not special?

If you need to pick up a little something at Tiffany's and don't have the cash, perhaps Mr. Gingrich would allow you to use his hefty credit line at the famous jeweler's; something he has but doesn't think it's any of your business if you're interested in knowing why he has it. Maybe you should send your worthless, lazy children into the workforce to make that extra cash.

Then we have Dr. Ron Paul. He always seems to be skulking around the sidelines because the media doesn't really take him seriously. Seems that recently he's been having bouts of amnesia. It appears that around 2o years ago he was connected to 'newsletters' which contained anti-gay, anti-Israeli and otherwise racist rants. He doesn't recall them.

Interestingly enough, he is the darling of just about every right wing extremist group in the country so there must be something about him that organizations like Militia of Montana find endearing.

Mitt Romney and Jon Huntsman are Mormons. Does that make them less slimy than the other contenders? Perhaps, but it doesn't necessarily make them less crazy.

We can't forget Michele Bachmann. Just because she's married to a closeted gay man doesn't make her better or worse than the other candidates; however, let us not forget that she is thuddingly stupid.

There are some other declared candidates too, but let's just leave it at this.

Who's the slimeball winner? If only Donald Trump hadn't gone and declared himself an "Independent" he might have been the write-in winner.

Suspended

Is it true that some supporters of Herman Cain took their old John McCain campaign posters and just crossed out the "Mc" or are we making that up?

In any event, you will no doubt be broken up to hear that the former Godfather Pizza executive has decided to suspend his campaign to secure the Republican nomination for President.

Ginger White was evidently the last straw. When she came out of the woodwork and said she and Herman had a thirteen year affair, well, Cain got caught with his pants down so to speak. There was no denying all the texts and phone calls he had placed to her at all hours of the day and night. Then there was his admission that he had given her money. In some corners of the world, that's referred to as prostitution.

And when he wasn't stroking Ms. White, Herman Cain had his hands up the skirts of any number of fine ladies.

In true narcissistic form, Cain blames everyone else for his problems. Sexually harassing women is not his problem as long as nobody talks about it. That long term affair would have been okay as long as Ginger stayed on the spice girl rack with her mouth shut.

We sort of wish Mrs. Cain would toss him out on his sorry ass. Publicly and embarrassingly.

Pizza and Wine

"I'm so happy I could just punch myself!"

It's beginning to look as if there aren't any women Herman Cain hasn't attempted to grope.

Accuser number five, Donna Donella, has come forward to talk about how Cain tried to ply her with expensive wine at a Godfather Pizzeria in 2002. We didn't know they even had a wine list!

Actually her run in with the presidential hopeful didn't involve him reaching for her genitals like Sharon Bialek's encounter and it all sounds pretty innocuous, albeit sleazy.

Will accuser number six show up before the end of the day?

Worse Than Clarence Thomas

Wow. Is Herman Cain an asshole! That's a statement, not a question.

Where to begin?

Sure we've all had a few good laughs at his expense. It was hilarious that he had no interest in foreign affairs. The commercial with his campaign manager smoking that ended with him giving his best Ladies' Man smirk was priceless. And he didn't know that China had nuclear capabilities!

Now we find out that Cain was charged with sexual harassment when he was a lobbyist for the National Restaurant Association. First there were two women and now there's a third. A holy trinity of a shit shower for the Republican presidential candidate!

At first ole Herman denied he'd ever sexually harassed anyone and as he usually does he tried to deflect the allegations with a lot of double talk and nonsense. The women settled, one receiving a year's salary, but unfortunately there seems to be a confidentiality agreement and they can't give their side of the story.

Herman blames Rick Perry for leaking the story. Well, Herman, too bad there was something to leak. Cain just opens his mouth to change feet. While denying, denying and denying that anything even remotely like sexual harassment ever took place, he said he'd never invited a woman to his hotel room. Say wha? Who mentioned a hotel room?

The man is just a laugh riot. Unfortunately, some people think he'd make a great POTUS. Uh, no he wouldn't.

Devil's in the Details

The Republican presidential hopefuls had themselves another debate last night. Governor Mitt Romney is all proud of himself because Governor Christie endorsed him and there's talk of a Governor Sandwiches selection as the VP nominee if Romney gets the GOP nod.

Meanwhile there's still Herman Cain who missed his chance to be the first black President. He's never been elected to anything. Instead he was the big cheese at Godfather's pizza. He knows absolutely nothing about anything outside of the US of A and if you're looking for someone who does, you best find yourself another nominee.

And of course, there's always Michele Bachmann who suggests that if you turn Cain's 9-9-9 economic plan upside down (6-6-6) you'll see the Devil in the details.

If you look at Cain's surgical scar from his colon cancer surgery (he was stage 4) you'll notice it looks like the letter 'J,' which means that Jesus is watching over him.

Ah, yes. The Christian card. Will Romney's Mormonism be a problem? Stay tuned.

A Rock by any Other Name

Hailing from the New York Metropolitan area, we profess we are sometimes ignorant as to how things are done in other parts of the United States of America.

It appears that in Texas people have hunting clubs where they presumably go to hunt and hopefully not shoot each other. Further, these hunting clubs have names. One might think they'd be called things like "West Texas Hunting Club" or "Dallas Hunting Club," but no, they have names like"Niggerhead."

At least that was the name of the Perry family's hunting club and some locals still call it that, despite the fact that some time after Rick entered the public political arena his daddy tried to paint over the rock that bore the name "Niggerhead." He did a less than spectacular job since you can still see it under the white paint.

GOP Republican Presidential candidate hopeful, Herman Cain, who is also the only black GOP contender, called Rick Perry out on this. Even in the 1980s when the rock was painted to cover up the "N" inscription, it was a good fifteen years beyond the heart of the civil rights movement. Surely before 1981 a politician would have had the sense to have the rock pummelled into tiny pieces of gravel lest it come back to hit him over the head when he wanted to be President of the United States thirty years later.