GOP -- Greasy Old Politics

Now that Christmas is over it's back to politics as usual.

Today's question is: which contender for the GOP Presidential nominee is the slimiest dick? It's a very hard call.

We sort of miss Herman Cain, but alas, there were just too many women in his woodwork.

Let's consider Rick Perry. What do we know about him? He used to hunt at a place called Niggerhead. He likes guns and executing people. His wife seems as unstable as Kitty Dukakis on a bad day and God talks to both of them on a seemingly regular basis. He can't remember three things at a time and his campaign is costing the citizens of Texas $400,000 a day. Most recently he failed to collect 10,000 signatures to put his name on the Virginia primary. That's something he and Newt Gingrich have in common.

Newt has been around a long time so the coating of sliminess is quite thick on his Lego-like body. He likes to get married and usually has future wife lined up before he's finished with current wife. He was fined $300,000 for ethics' violations way back in 1997 by the House -- the first House Speaker to have been so treated. Who says he's not special?

If you need to pick up a little something at Tiffany's and don't have the cash, perhaps Mr. Gingrich would allow you to use his hefty credit line at the famous jeweler's; something he has but doesn't think it's any of your business if you're interested in knowing why he has it. Maybe you should send your worthless, lazy children into the workforce to make that extra cash.

Then we have Dr. Ron Paul. He always seems to be skulking around the sidelines because the media doesn't really take him seriously. Seems that recently he's been having bouts of amnesia. It appears that around 2o years ago he was connected to 'newsletters' which contained anti-gay, anti-Israeli and otherwise racist rants. He doesn't recall them.

Interestingly enough, he is the darling of just about every right wing extremist group in the country so there must be something about him that organizations like Militia of Montana find endearing.

Mitt Romney and Jon Huntsman are Mormons. Does that make them less slimy than the other contenders? Perhaps, but it doesn't necessarily make them less crazy.

We can't forget Michele Bachmann. Just because she's married to a closeted gay man doesn't make her better or worse than the other candidates; however, let us not forget that she is thuddingly stupid.

There are some other declared candidates too, but let's just leave it at this.

Who's the slimeball winner? If only Donald Trump hadn't gone and declared himself an "Independent" he might have been the write-in winner.

The Sorcerer's Apprentice

Serial grooms, Donald Trump and Newt Gingrich, are the best of friends. This may not surprise you nor should it.

They probably agree on lots of things but let's start first with lazy children. They think poor kids need to get jobs so that they will learn the 'work habit.' This would be unlike their own activities of sucking money out of others by using anal hoses.

Trump is going to give ten poor kids the opportunity to be his paid servants to teach them just how important it is to be an apprentice.

Gingrich, who could find gainful employment as a Macy's Thanksgiving Day balloon albeit as only an annual gig, does not think that children should do heavy, janitorial work, but exactly what other occupations would be off limits is anybody's guess.

Trumped

Back in the 1950s Donald Trump's father used to take him and his brother around while he collected the rent from apartment dwellers residing in the buildings he owned. Presumably he wanted to teach the boys something.

Apparently all he taught the Donald was how to be an asshole.

Obviously the guy's got a narcissistic personality disorder since he thinks the world revolves around him and his hair. How come he never had orthodonture if he's so damned rich?

He may have had a high draft number during the Vietnam War but by the time his number was drawn he had already received a medical deferment and four student deferments. Was the medical deferment due to his orange skin?

Old Skool

I'm sure it's a tough decision. Should I attend Harvard or Trump University?

Wait a minute! I can go to Trump U on line! Problem solved.

Oops! Maybe it wasn't a good idea to pay $35,000 to 'attend' Trump U. Although if you had $35K why would you throw it away on a cyber 'college' allegedly run by the Donald?

But I digress.

Donald is getting his ass sued by unhappy students. They seem irate that they were urged to max out their credit cards and dip into their 401K plans to pay for the classes, useless classes at that.

Seriously people, what is wrong with you? Why in the world would you believe a man with an overbite and a comb over? The amount of money in the world is finite. Why would he share it with you?