You Can Google That

You may have heard that yesterday was the incredibly unimportant Iowa caucus for Republican presidential hopefuls.

As easily predicted, Michele Bachmann and Rick Perry finished last. Michele immediately threw in the tasteful fingertip towel her husband had selected and Rick went back to Texas to ask Jesus what the hell he should do.

Mitt Romney, the only vaguely electable candidate, finished first but only eight votes (yes, that's right -- eight!) ahead of Rick Santorum. Santorum, who really doesn't like gays (nor they him) came from behind. You can google that.

Now Senator John McCain (you may remember him from the 2008 election) threw his support to Romney who is pictured above wearing blue jeans so that you might be inclined to think this multimillionaire is one of the common folk.

Ron Paul who claims he did not write those vicious newsletters that people in the Way Back Machine have uncovered, came in third.

And now on to New Hampshire!

GOP -- Greasy Old Politics

Now that Christmas is over it's back to politics as usual.

Today's question is: which contender for the GOP Presidential nominee is the slimiest dick? It's a very hard call.

We sort of miss Herman Cain, but alas, there were just too many women in his woodwork.

Let's consider Rick Perry. What do we know about him? He used to hunt at a place called Niggerhead. He likes guns and executing people. His wife seems as unstable as Kitty Dukakis on a bad day and God talks to both of them on a seemingly regular basis. He can't remember three things at a time and his campaign is costing the citizens of Texas $400,000 a day. Most recently he failed to collect 10,000 signatures to put his name on the Virginia primary. That's something he and Newt Gingrich have in common.

Newt has been around a long time so the coating of sliminess is quite thick on his Lego-like body. He likes to get married and usually has future wife lined up before he's finished with current wife. He was fined $300,000 for ethics' violations way back in 1997 by the House -- the first House Speaker to have been so treated. Who says he's not special?

If you need to pick up a little something at Tiffany's and don't have the cash, perhaps Mr. Gingrich would allow you to use his hefty credit line at the famous jeweler's; something he has but doesn't think it's any of your business if you're interested in knowing why he has it. Maybe you should send your worthless, lazy children into the workforce to make that extra cash.

Then we have Dr. Ron Paul. He always seems to be skulking around the sidelines because the media doesn't really take him seriously. Seems that recently he's been having bouts of amnesia. It appears that around 2o years ago he was connected to 'newsletters' which contained anti-gay, anti-Israeli and otherwise racist rants. He doesn't recall them.

Interestingly enough, he is the darling of just about every right wing extremist group in the country so there must be something about him that organizations like Militia of Montana find endearing.

Mitt Romney and Jon Huntsman are Mormons. Does that make them less slimy than the other contenders? Perhaps, but it doesn't necessarily make them less crazy.

We can't forget Michele Bachmann. Just because she's married to a closeted gay man doesn't make her better or worse than the other candidates; however, let us not forget that she is thuddingly stupid.

There are some other declared candidates too, but let's just leave it at this.

Who's the slimeball winner? If only Donald Trump hadn't gone and declared himself an "Independent" he might have been the write-in winner.

Mouth Trots

Apparently Michele Bachmann keeps saying stupid things because she never stops talking.

Can't somebody shut her the fuck up?

After the mid-Atlantic states and part of New England suffered through an earthquake and then a devastating hurricane, Michele decided to share her infinite wisdom and proclaim that these events were messages from God to scare Congress into action.

Now she says she was 'just kidding.'

Well, Michelle, we're not kidding when we say you're an idiot.

Judging a Book By Its Cover Story

This is a photograph of GOP Presidential hopeful Michele Bachmann's husband, Marcus, embracing Kevin Miniter who is an aide to the only openly gay candidate for 2012, Fred Karger.

Marcus, who helps gays pray their 'affliction' away, is no doubt prepping for a special prayer session with the adorable Kevin.

We have a new campaign slogan for Ms. Bachmann:

Voting for Michele is almost like voting for Liza Minnelli.

Please Leave the Building

You may have heard that Michele Bachmann won the Ames, Iowa straw poll, whatever the hell that means. It could just mean that more people wanted to meet a country western singer at her tent.

Yesterday she continued to make fool of herself by wishing Elvis Presley a happy birthday. First of all, someone needs to tell her that he's dead and that August 16th is the anniversary of his death, not birth. He has left the building, Michele, and perhaps you should follow.

In other news, as predicted, Rick Perry threw his ten gallon hat into the presidential ring after the straw poll. Ron Paul came in second and yet no one even mentions that. Surely, he can't be any more of an embarrassment to the GOP than these two.

Glitter Twins

Funny thing about some people who protest government spending. Sometimes they are the first ones on line to get some Federal handouts.

Take Marcus Bachmann for instance. Please. If you can get him out of the closet.

Seems that Marcus's 'mental health' clinic wherein folks 'pray away the gay' got at least $137,000 in Medicaid funding. Medicaid, as you may have heard, is a program wherein the poor receive monetary assistance for medical expenditures; the government pays their medical bills.
Mrs. Bachmann, who is campaigning for the Republican Presidental nomination, has complained that Medicaid swells the welfare rolls.

The Bachmanns of Iowa have relieved the Federal government of a quarter of a million dollars in farming subsidies.

Funny how when you're taking money from the Feds for yourself, it seems to be all right.

Who's in YOUR Closet?

So if Representative Michele Bachmann's discriminatory rhetoric against gays and blacks, not to mention her propensity to lie, isn't enough to convince you she's a hateful ignoramus, maybe this will.

Some of her former aides came out to talk about her weekly debilitating migraines. Well, we'll not have anyone thinking her crippling headaches are anything more than a little inconvenience and not a condition that might cause her to launch a nuclear attack for no reason from the Oval Office!

In response on the campaign trail she said her headaches were easily controlled by medication and blah blah blah, refusing to take any questions from the gathered reporters.

However, when ABC News reporter, Jeffrey Schneider, attempted to question her further, he was roughed up by Bachmann's aides, who pushed and shoved him after pouncing on him.

Tsk. Tsk.

Oh, and if you're wondering why she's always impeccably dressed -- it's because of that closeted homosexual she's married to, Marcus. In 2006 she admitted that her spouse purchased the outfit she wore when she met then Vice President Dick Cheney -- including matching shoes and coat!

Pot Calls Kettle Black -- and Gay

Representative Michele Bachmann (appearing here as Sky Queen) doesn't like gay people, but you already knew that. Her old man "Prays the Gay Away" which we all know is just another way of saying "Repression" while appearing to be incredibly stereotypically gay himself.

Now it's obvious that Mrs. Bachmann doesn't like black people either, and no, not just President Obama and his socialist ilk.

She was helicoptering around the Missouri River for some reason yesterday, lamenting the federal government's payout to black farmers who claimed they had been discriminated against for decades.

What Mrs. Bachmann did not mention was that the Bachmann family has suckled from the Federal teat itself, raking in about a quarter of a million dollars in farm subsidies from 1995 to 2006.

It could be the early stages of Alzheimer's, selective amnesia or straight up lying.

Grit and Bear It

Wow! And you thought Michele Bachmann sort of missing slavery was bad! Now we find out that her husband actually runs one of those "Pray the Gay Away" outfits.

In 2004 she lectured at the National Education Leadership conference and, as you may already have guessed, made a lot of statements that should have resulted in her immediate political demise, but alas, did not.

She said there was nothing gay about that lifestyle. "It's part of Satan."

She lamented the days when gays were pictured on television as wearing outlandish outfits for your tittering amusement. "Now gays are made to look good."

Michele also didn't think there was enough reporting on gays murdering children and too much coverage on gays being murdered, as in the Matthew Shepherd case.

And yet this woman is allegedly in second place for the GOP Presidential nomination. God help us all.

Say What?

We're sure there are plenty of people who don't think most of the Republican presidential candidates are insane. We, however, are not of that mind.

Take Rick Santorum and Michele Bachmann. Please. And return them to their antebellum paradise.

They signed a pledge that insinuated that slavery was actually a good thing, and not just for slave owners.

Seems a conservative group out of Iowa called First Leader, circulated a Marriage Vow that both Santorum and Bachmann signed. The preamble to the Vow mourned the fact that a child born into slavery in the 1860s had a better chance of having a two parent household than an African-American child born today.

They also had a better chance of being considered property and 3/5ths of a Caucasian.

The GOP hopefuls have tried to distance themselves from the pledge, Bachmann even indicating that she wasn't endorsing the preamble just the vow. Santorum said he did read it.

And they signed it anyway?

Famous Boob Talks About Them

I think we all know that Michele Bachmann is one of the biggest boobs in Congress. Well, now she's speaking out (idiotically) about the IRS's new tax deduction -- the breast pump.

She took the First Lady to task over her support of the deduction, but apparently does not understand that a tax deduction is not the same as having the government actually buy you the deductible item. Michele B blames Michelle O for trying to turn the USA into a nanny state.

Oh, and a nanny doesn't actually nurse your child (unless employed as a wet nurse) nor does she pump her breasts to feed your baby. That's why we have lactating mothers.

Bachmann also claims to have given birth to five babies and breastfed every one of them. I want proof.