Bravo!

We apologize for our recent absence and now we give you Rick Santorum's revelation that he is suspending his campaign for the Republican presidential nomination.

We will now pass the tissues around.

Rick was getting his butt kicked by front runner Mitt Romney so he's taking his toys and going home. He's doing this before what would have been a very embarrassing trouncing in his home state of Pennsylvania had he not thrown in the towel before that state's primary.

Santorum said things during his campaign that were as idiotic as the nonsense the other also-rans spouted. We won't list them for you.

His youngest child, Bella, was released from the hospital before his announcement. This is the second time to our knowledge that he suspended his campaign because of her illness. She has a rare genetic chromosomal disorder.

Thankfully the Santorums have health insurance and he can afford to skip work when she's ill. He may be interested to know that many people in the United States do not have health care nor can they financially afford to sit by their child's bedside instead of working -- in case they do have insurance.

I Kid You Not

Can't you just tell by looking at this guy that he's a gigantic tool?

Allow us to introduce you to Foster Friess who is a rich dude and a would-be stand up comic. To prove it, he said this during an interview with Andrea Mitchell:

This contraceptive thing. My gosh, it's so inexpensive. Ya know, back in my days they used to use Bayer Aspirin for contraceptives. The gals would stick it between their knees and it wasn't that costly.

Couldn't be that he actually believes that and doesn't know it's a joke from the 1960s? Couldn't, right? He does fund Rick Santorum's SuperPac, so it's possible.

Iowa, New Hampshire and South Carolina -- Oh My!

Have you been keeping up with your Republican Presidential hopeful news?

To bring you up to date -- Mitt Romney didn't actually win the Iowa caucus by 8 votes. He actually lost to Rick Santorum by 34 votes. How hard is it to actually count votes and get it right?

And we won't have Rick Perry to kick around anymore. He's dropped out of the race and gone back to Texas to lick his wounds. Maybe a few more executions will cheer him up.

Tomorrow is the South Carolina primary. Herman Cain is still on the ballot and Stephen Colbert couldn't get his name on the ballot in time, so he is urging everyone to vote for Cain as a vote for Colbert.

We think this is starting to actually get fun.

Payback is a Bitch

As you may have heard, perhaps here, Rick Santorum almost beat Mitt Romney in Iowa the other day. All he needed were those doggone nine votes! Ever since he started wearing those sweater vests, the populace seems to adore him. At least, that's what he thinks. He's probably already planning to wear one to his Inauguration.

Problem with Rick is he's an awful bigot. And he can't shut up. So it's not as if he can keep his bias a secret.

First off, he doesn't understand homosexuality. He compares it to men having sex with dogs. He also seems to think gay marriage is akin to polygamy (note that two GOP contenders are Mormons which once upon a time practiced it) and/or pedophilia.

He thinks women should be home in the kitchen or in the bedroom having unprotected sex with their husbands.

He finds it amazing that President Obama ... a black man say [ing] 'We're going to decide who are people and who are not people.'"

In Iowa over last weekend he distinctly said, "I don't want to make black people's lives better by giving them somebody else's money; I want to give them the opportunity to go out and earn the money."

He later denied on CNN that he used the word 'black,' but oh, yes he did. Funny thing with this internet, you can find out pretty easily who is lying.

When he was a senator in 2006, he was very willing to do favors for a Big Insurer, Universal Health Services, a Big Environmental Rapist, Consol Energy and a Big Lobbyist, American Continental Group for which he was repaid with big contracts earning him a lot of money.

Hopefully the folks in New Hampshire will wake up and smell his reality.

You Can Google That

You may have heard that yesterday was the incredibly unimportant Iowa caucus for Republican presidential hopefuls.

As easily predicted, Michele Bachmann and Rick Perry finished last. Michele immediately threw in the tasteful fingertip towel her husband had selected and Rick went back to Texas to ask Jesus what the hell he should do.

Mitt Romney, the only vaguely electable candidate, finished first but only eight votes (yes, that's right -- eight!) ahead of Rick Santorum. Santorum, who really doesn't like gays (nor they him) came from behind. You can google that.

Now Senator John McCain (you may remember him from the 2008 election) threw his support to Romney who is pictured above wearing blue jeans so that you might be inclined to think this multimillionaire is one of the common folk.

Ron Paul who claims he did not write those vicious newsletters that people in the Way Back Machine have uncovered, came in third.

And now on to New Hampshire!

Say What?

We're sure there are plenty of people who don't think most of the Republican presidential candidates are insane. We, however, are not of that mind.

Take Rick Santorum and Michele Bachmann. Please. And return them to their antebellum paradise.

They signed a pledge that insinuated that slavery was actually a good thing, and not just for slave owners.

Seems a conservative group out of Iowa called First Leader, circulated a Marriage Vow that both Santorum and Bachmann signed. The preamble to the Vow mourned the fact that a child born into slavery in the 1860s had a better chance of having a two parent household than an African-American child born today.

They also had a better chance of being considered property and 3/5ths of a Caucasian.

The GOP hopefuls have tried to distance themselves from the pledge, Bachmann even indicating that she wasn't endorsing the preamble just the vow. Santorum said he did read it.

And they signed it anyway?