A Shot in the Dark

An unarmed Burress

I am a huge NY Giants Football fan, but even I have limits.

Word is that Plaxico Burress, wide receiver, shot himself in the thigh in a nightclub in Manhattan. That would be the right thigh, part of the same leg where his hamstring was injured.

Burress caught the game winning touchdown in Super Bowl XLII, but this season he's been involved in one controversy after another, including not showing up for meetings.

Assuming he didn't shoot himself deliberately, all the incident proves is that he's a bona fide asshole, a prima donna on and off the football field.

Hopefully there's a clause in his contract that would provide for his release following this latest incident. I can't see any reason to pay him $7 million a year. The Giants certainly are doing just fine without him.

Charlie Wilson's Bore

"Oh, Charlie! You're such a tool!"

Bear in mind I'm always a day late, dollar short when it comes to movies since I don't go to the theatre and instead watch them on the pay channels like HBO.

That's why my review of "Charlie Wilson's War" is eleven months late. But, as they say, better late than never.

In truth, I didn't watch more than 20 or 30 minutes of this movie, and believe me, that was plenty.

The film opens with Charlie receiving an award, apparently from the CIA, in a clandestine airplane hangar with maybe a 100 people in attendance. So we already know Charlie's done well. You can turn off the movie now.

Seriously though, should you continue, the next scene takes place in Vegas. Charlie climbs into a hot tub with naked hookers and his male comrade.

If you've ever wondered if Tom Hanks has a dick, this scene won't reveal the answer. All this gratuitous nudity will tell you is that Charlie Wilson, Congressman from east Texas, would rather watch Dan Rather dressed as an Afghan rock farmer than try to get it on in the hot tub with the coke snorting sweeties. So that proves he's not a complete hedonist.

Oh, I guess I should mention this takes place in 1980.

Okay, we get the picture. Charlie likes promiscuous sex and hard liquor, as scene after scene tells us.

Philip Seymour Hoffman is introduced as a CIA operative with a bad temper. He has a meeting with John Slattery (we like him better in Mad Men) and he breaks John's office window (again!) and then goes to the cafeteria.

Charlie goes to Julia Roberts' place where she's having a slave girl sale (I think for charity). Of course they have sex (no sign of Hanks' Captain Winkie) and then Charlie lies in the bathtub while Julia's character puts on layer after layer of eye make-up, all the while telling him why he needs to go to Pakistan.

Amy Adams plays Charlie's assistant. Her role in Enchanted was more believable.

Charlie goes to Pakistan and orders a glass of whiskey, but of course you can't get any hard liquor in this Muslim country. Joke's on Charlie!

This was where I turned off the movie.

Mike Nichols directed this movie. Maybe he needs to stay home or look up Elaine May and they can revive their comedy act of the 1950's.

Lesson: You can't always mix up some Academy Award winners in a cinematic toilet bowl and expect to come up with anything worthwhile.

All the World's a Stage?

Psychiatrists are studying a condition which has come to be known as "Truman Syndrome" based on the 1998 Jim Carrey film, "The Truman Show."

In the movie, Truman Burbank's life is a reality show being filmed and broadcast 24/7 about which he is oblivious.

In psychiatric circles, patients have come to believe that their lives are also being filmed and broadcast.

According to the AP:

"The question is really: Is this just a new twist on an old paranoid or grandiose delusion ... or is there sort of a perfect storm of the culture we're in, in which fame holds such high value?" said Dr. Joel Gold, a psychiatrist affiliated with New York's Bellevue Hospital.

Within a two-year period, Gold said he encountered five patients with delusions related to reality TV. Several of them specifically mentioned "The Truman Show."

Personally I think it's much ado about nothing. It doesn't bother me that there are people filming and broadcasting my life as long as I get paid for it.

Black Friday

"Honest! She's my sister, dude!"

A security guard was trampled to death by a mob trying to get into the Valley Stream, New York Walmart early Friday morning.

But now on to the funny news about the traditionally busiest shopping day of the year:

In Troy, Michigan a Meijers store was selling 42" plasma televisions that normally retail for $899, for the low, low price of $499.

So the Naumann brothers, Kevin, Steve and Eric, set out to purchase one each. Oh, and they also brought along a blow up doll who was going to buy a fourth.

"We tried to get her a T.V. but they wouldn't allow us," said Eric Naumann, "you've got to be able to push a cart."

Now I'm no store manager, but I think the criteria to purchase a TV should be a little more stringent. I would think the reason would have been you have to be human to buy a television. I'm sure there are lots of men and women who might want to buy a television, but in actuality might be unable to push a shopping cart.

No response on whether or not the blow up doll had her own money.

The Bear Facts

"You're nice, but you're not quite what I'm looking for."

The Japanese have been waiting since 2005 for their two polar bears to mate, to no avail. They would have been twiddling their thumbs even longer had not someone figured out that both bears are females.

World Gone to Dogs

Holly, Best in Show

With all the crazy news, this totally escaped my attention.

On November 22, 2008 in Reading, Pennsylvania, a Pointer named Holly was named Best in Show at the National Dog Show.

That's all. Just the best bitch in the U.S.

When Mommy and Daddy Fight

I'd rather see him in a gentle mauve

Chicago Bears' linebacker, Brian Urlacher, paints his three-year-old son's toe nails blue and puts him in Cinderella diapers. At least, that's what the child's mother, Tyna Robertson, alleges, and based on the feminizing of little Kennedy, she wants to keep Urlacher away from him.

Urlacher's attorney, Anita Ventrelli, neither confirms nor denies the allegations.

Loonier than Tom Cruise

Crazy dude

Mario Majorski, pictured above, was shot and killed by a security guard when he showed up at the Scientology Celebrity Centre wielding a sword in each hand.

Old Mario was once a Scientologist, but hadn't been a member in good standing (read ~ giving them 10% of his pre-tax income) in over a decade. He had, however, been making threatening phone calls to Scientology dudes for more than three years.

His lunacy wasn't confined to confrontations with Scientologists. According to the LA Times:

On Nov. 2, Majorski was arrested at a Mormon church service in Florence, Ore., the coastal town where he lived. A Florence police spokeswoman told the Associated Press that he was "cursing and moving around a lot" and was charged with disorderly conduct and criminal trespass.

Less than a month ago, he was arrested in Florence for swinging an ax at an Auto Club employee who was bringing him gas for his car. Majorski threatened to shoot police who went to his home to investigate, according to a police report. He pleaded no contest to disorderly conduct.

Majorski's mother died about a year ago at a skilled nursing care facility where he was not permitted unless accompanied by a special monitor.

I can't help but wonder what crazy antics he might have indulged in if he hadn't been blown away last Sunday.

Yes, the Vati Can!

The Vatican is goin' green.

2,400 photovoltaic panels have been installed and will be put into operation today, heating, cooling and lighting Vatican City. The plan is so ambitious that one day the Vatican may export solar energy.

Nice to see that once the Vatican got past their worries about the earth revolving around the sun they've been able to spearhead an alternative energy project.

Che Bruta Donna!

"Dude looks like a lady!"

Better known as 'Luxuria,' the first transvestite elected to the Italian parliament was voted the winner on a reality TV show, "Celebrity Island."

Giorgio Gori, the show's producer, said in the beginning his (Luxuria's) communist party members and voters "no doubt did not appreciate seeing their former deputy in a bikini, but the public rewarded his choice."

If that is indeed the case, I think that was very narrow minded of them.

Joe the Brown Nosed Reindeer

Proving once again that he has no shame and certainly no dignity, the AP reports about Senator Lieberman:

"Everything that President-elect Obama has done since election night has been just about perfect, both in terms of a tone and also in terms of the strength of the names that have either been announced or are being discussed to fill his administration," Lieberman said during a visit to Hartford.

Can someone hand me a barf bag?

Joe, take my advice. Please. Just go away and shut up. Be happy that the Dems don't want your head on a platter and leave it at that. Stop trying to plant your lips on everyone's ass.

Recipe for Disaster

So you have me over for a meal, maybe even Thanksgiving dinner, and I compliment you on a particular dish you've prepared.

You respond by saying, "Oh! I'll give you the recipe!"

Did I ask you for the recipe? What I said was you cooked something to perfection. I don't want some directions written down on a piece of paper or maybe one of those cute little "From the Kitchen of ..." cards.

What I would like you to do is prepare the food for me on a regular basis. You can stop by with the dish or maybe hire one of those courier services to deliver. Don't worry I'm not afraid of ptomaine poisoning.

What I specifically don't want is to cook the aforementioned food myself. I like the way you do it.

So keep doing it. I don't even need to watch.

Grin and Bare It

Madonna can reportedly explode bowling balls with her thighs

Madonna was lamenting her personal life, noting that she is 'sad.' Madonna's marital breakup is tough, but she says she's grateful that her heavy workload "provides a distraction that keeps me going."

Thankfully, she can focus on her professional life and counting all her money, I suppose.

She and Guy Ritchie were granted a preliminary decree of divorce last week.

The Cunning Linguist

Dare we believe?

The New York Post's Page 6 reports that Ann Coulter broke her jaw and her mouth is wired shut.

Is this the newspaper's stab at providing some holiday cheer for the masses or is it really true?

No word on how her jaw was broken. Could it be that someone punched her? Really hard?

If a Piano is Played in the Forest ...

and no one is there to hear it, is the music wasted?

Police in Harwich, Massachusetts were notified by a woman who had been strolling in the woods that there was a piano just sitting there, as if it were waiting to be played.

It took 6 men to remove the Baldwin piano from its resting spot, proof that one person could not have dragged it into the woods.

Dancing Days

Hopefully this is the end of this crap

As Dubaya winds down his days as president, he is scrambling to do a lot of sneaky shit behind the backs of the American public.

No, not just dressing up, and not just pardoning criminals. Worse stuff.

Stuff like permitting oil companies to rape pristine, formerly protected land in Utah.

Robert Redford was on MSNBC last night with Rachel Maddow describing the machinations that have gone on to sneak this piece of information past the eyes of environmentally concerned Americans.

Lord help us when we find out about all the other crazy crap that is going on, even as I type this, behind closed doors. January 20, 2009 cannot come soon enough.

You Can Run, But You Cannot Hide

NJ Church scene of fatal shootings

The 'alleged' shooter in the Clifton, New Jersey killings of two has been captured in Georgia.

First of all, I guess it's unusual enough to be an Indian and Christian. Where does one find a suitable wife?

Apparently Joseph Pallipurath married Reshma James in India a year ago in an arranged marriage. They moved to Sacramento, California in January. Three months ago Reshma fled across the country to get away from her abusive hubby and settled in New Jersey with a cousin.

Pallipurath drove across country, hunted down his wife, shot and killed her, a man who was attempting to help, and wounded James's cousin. He then fled to Georgia where he had relatives.

Pallipurath's dad had gotten a restraining order against Joseph in May, but dropped the request in June.

Despite that he claimed that he thought his son and daughter-in-law were happy, describing his son as 'handsome' and a 'nice guy.'

Why are parents the last to admit that their children are homicidal maniacs?

A King and His Thrones

Joey Fatone sitting on the can

Joey Fatone cut the ceremonial red ribbon to open the 20 new toileterias in Times Square which will be open for the holiday season.

The deluxe restrooms feature flat screen TVs, tuxedoed attendants and lots of Charmin toilet paper, the sponsor of the piss-marts.

CHINESE MEDIA BLASTS GUNS N ROSES ALBUM

Axl Rose

I thought the headline was a joke, maybe something from The Onion, but no, the Chinese don't like the band's new album. Not because the music is terrible and it wasn't worth the wait, but because they don't like the title, "Chinese Democracy."

Can't use the word "democracy" in China, and so Guns N' Roses album will not be released there.

Jest a Reg'lar 8-Year-Old

Mom of the Year?

Eryn Thomas, whose name might actually be Eryn Bloomfield, appeared on Good Morning America to talk about her 8-year-old son who shot his father and roommate to death earlier this month in Arizona.

She says her son "loved his Dad" and is a "good little boy."

Well, Ms. Thomas (if that is your name), good little boys don't blow people away. And just how well did you know this good little boy who doesn't live with you and whom you don't see regularly?

Be that as it may, in the kid's videotaped confession he replies, "I'm going to juvie," when asked by a cop what he's thinking. My kids didn't know what 'juvie' was when they were 8. They also didn't have access to firearms.

According to the AP:

Judge Michael Roca ruled that the boy could be released for 48 hours to spend Thanksgiving with his mother. Thomas said her son wanted to see the movie "Kung Fu Panda" and play games during his parole.

Dead Dad

Hope those games don't include guns.

CHINESE PLAN HOW TO ELIMINATE AMERICAN KIDS

W.A.T.C.H. (World Against Toys Causing Harm) has issued its list of the 10 top toys you and Santa should not be buying kids.

SPORTSMAN SHOTGUN

For less than thirty bucks you can purchase this gun that shoots rubber bullets. Yeah, you really will shoot your eye out, kid, kill animals and blind your friends.

NINJA BATTLE GEAR MICHELANGELO

Apparently these nunchuks really work.

EXTREME SPIRAL COPTERS

Extra added attraction - you can also blind people with these things.

MEADOW MYSTERY PLAY-A-SOUND BOOK WITH CUDDLY POOH

Cuddly Pooh would like to Choke You.

WALK'N SOUNDS DIGGER THE DOG

Chances are good the dog will strangle the kids walking him.

PUCCI PUPPIES - MY OWN PUPPY HOUSE GOLDEN RETRIEVER

Little accessories are great to choke little guys.

SPIDERMAN ADJUSTABLE TOY SKATES

You really need to wrap the little skaters in protective bubble wrap before allowing them to strap these babies on.

ANIMAL ALLEY PURSE PETS

These horrible hairy dogs are marketed for infants. No, please don't put them anywhere near humans, let alone babies.

INFLATABLE GIGA BALL

Kids as young as 4 are encouraged to climb into this huge inflatable ball. Yeah sure, if they have a death wish.

GO GO MINIS PULLBACK VEHICLES

Little trucks to choke little kids.

Ted Haggard Still Wants Your Money

"Go ahead! Pull my finger!"

I was delighted to see that my favorite disgraced evangelical of all times, Ted Haggard, is back in the news.

Apparently earlier this month Haggard was a 'guest speaker' at the Open Bible Fellowship in Morrison, Illinois. He referred to his two sermon extravaganza as "Alive!" You may recall that was also the name of the book that detailed how air crash survivors cannibalized each other in the Andes.

Haggard attributes his problems as stemming from a molestation when he was 7.

According to HuffPo:

In the sermons, Haggard said a co-worker of his father molested him when he was 7, an experience that "started to produce fruit" when he turned 50.

Yeah, sure, Ted, although I do appreciate your use of the word 'fruit.'

Although Haggard is now selling insurance, it is apparent he is looking to weasel his way to a full time gig in the pulpit.

Fangs a Lot

Young immortals

"Twilight," the movie based on Stephenie Meyer's book about a teenager in love with a vampire, raked in over $70 million this weekend.

That sound you just heard is not just the sucking of blood from the neck, but the vacuum created in millions of wallets.

Catherine Hardwicke directed "Twilight," which makes the film and its success the biggest opening ever for a female director.

I'm Lovin' It

Phillip Sherman went to eat at a McDonald's in Fayetteville, Arkansas.

That was his first mistake.

His second was to leave his cell phone there, and even though the staff said they would 'secure' the phone till his return, they didn't actually do that.

Apparently, Mrs. Sherman had sent her hubby nude pictures of herself to his cell phone, and well...you guessed it, they ended up on the internet.

Now the Shermans are suing Mickey D's for $2 million.

Personally, I think if you send naked body shots of yourself to anyone, you sort of lose any credibility you might have, and also legal recourse, but that's just my opinion.

Come Home, John, All is Forgiven

The late, great John Lennon

In 1966 John Lennon opined that the Beatles were more popular than Jesus. Apparently the Vatican got its collective panties in a twist over that one, and they finally forgave Lennon his remark last week.

Quick on the heels of their pardoning of the deceased Beatle, Vatican Radio marked the 40th anniversary of the Beatles' White Album and observed that the music of the Fab Four is far superior to the music being produced today.

Obladi, Obladah.

Life Sucks Winner

So Tabitha Mullings goes to Brooklyn Community Hospital because she has abdominal pain. The folks in the ER told her she had a kidney stone and sent her home with painkillers.

When she woke up her hands and feet were black. By the time she was back at the hospital it was a battle just to keep her alive from the sepsis infection that was ravaging her body.

She had to have both her hands and feet amputated and she is blind in her right eye.

I am sure someone will help her pick up all the money the hospital should soon be throwing her way.

But still, you think you had a bad day?

Ready for the Rapture?

Okay, put on your bunny ears!

I was just checking things out on the internets, going up and down the tubes as it were, and I came upon a website called www.raptureready.com.

I have no idea who is responsible for the site and its content, but I did find this picture interesting. It is posted in their Photorama section.

Their pictures of candidates for the anti-Christ are pretty interesting too. Bill Gates, George Bush, King Juan Carlos, and Prince Charles and his sons.

Cyber Bully on Trial

Nasty bitch

In a landmark internet case, Lori Drew, the delightful slimeball pictured above, conspired with her daughter and another girl to lure Megan Meier into an on-line relationship with a fictitious boy.

The day they (under the guise of "Josh") told her the world would be better off without her, Megan hanged herself.

The trial is being held in Los Angeles because that is where MySpace's servers are located; however, the chillingly cruel Lori Drew (who is 49 and should know better) actually lives in Missouri, in case you want to know where slime like this is grown.

Reading Tea Leaves

Santa Pope

Italy's Finance Minister says that Pope Benedict XVI predicted today's economic crisis in 1985 when he was Cardinal Ratzinger.

Cardinal Ratzinger presented a paper called "Market Economy and Ethics" which said that a decline in ethics "can actually cause the laws of the market to collapse."

Yes, Your Holiness. Doesn't take a crystal ball to see that you put a bunch of greedy bastards in positions of power at financial institutions and you're in for trouble.

Now, who's going to win the Super Bowl?

Who's the Biggest Turkey?

Big media day up in Wasilla, Alaska. Yup. The Governor made a big show of 'pardoning' a turkey. Of course, it was just one lucky tom turkey. The rest of the turkeys, well, they're going to end up on Thanksgiving Day tables across Alaska.

Naturally, because Palin cannot keep her mouth shut and prefers to babble incoherently, she went on and on and on to an interviewer after the pardon. She appears to be totally oblivious to the fact that the dude behind her keeps sticking turkeys head first into the 'terminator' or turkinator.

Stroke of Bad Luck

"We have a piper down!"

Attorney General Michael Mukasey collapsed while giving a speech in DC last night. He was admitted to George Washington University Hospital for observation. There is speculation that he may have suffered a stroke, but there hasn't been any confirmation.

My question is: Is that Joe the Plumber in the AG's security detail? It sure does look like him.

Another Thriller

Wacko Jacko

According to the Mail, and you just can't beat the Brits for this kind of gossip, Michael Jackson is becoming a Muslim and changing his name to "Mikaeel."

Now Michael, or Mikaeel, has been photographed parading around Bahrain dressed in traditional Arab women's garb. Recently he was sued by an Arab sheikh who claims the artist formerly known as Michael Jackson owes him many millions of dollars.

Ah, Mikaeel, you never disappoint!

We Can Dream

Satan's bookends

Vice President Dick Cheney and former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales were set to be arraigned in a Texas court on charges that they (along with others) are involved in prisoner abuse at detention centers in a southwest Texas county.

There are lots of problems with this indictment not the least of which is that the District Attorney seems to have 'disappeared.' Not sure if he's 'disappeared' in the El Salvadorian meaning of the word, but stranger things have happened.

DA Guerra lost March's primary, but he has been in office for 20 years.

According to HuffPo:

After Guerra's office was raided as part of {the} investigation early last year, he camped outside the courthouse in a borrowed camper with a horse, three goats and a rooster. He threatened to dismiss hundreds of cases because he believed local law enforcement had aided the investigation against him.

Apparently the DA has been acting as witness, prosecutor and victim in some cases, but I like the part about the horse, goats and rooster.

In all likelihood Cheney and Gonzales will never see the inside of a south Texas courtroom, but I sure do like the idea of them in orange jumpsuits.

No Relation to Britney?

Janella Spears, a few fries short of a Happy Meal

This Sweet Home, Oregon woman managed to send $400,000 to scammers using the old "Nigerian" e-mail scheme over a period of two years despite the fact that everyone told her to stop.

Janella, who reportedly is not an idiot although we've seen no evidence of that, mortgaged the house, cleaned out her hearing-impaired husband's retirement account, and got a loan using the car as collateral.

She was determined to collect the $20.5 million some long lost relative named "J.B. Spears" had left her.

According to the AP: The scammers sent Spears official-looking documents and certificates from the Bank of Nigeria and the United Nations. President Bush and FBI Director Robert Mueller were also involved, the e-mails said, and needed her help.

Besides her insatiable greed, Ms. Spears was narcissistic enough to think that she was a key player in an international drama.

Says she of blowing her husband's retirement money: "The retirement he was dreaming of — cruising and going around and seeing America — is pretty much gone for him right now," she said.

Maybe he has a life insurance policy on you, sweetie, so don't count him out yet.

Sexiest Man in the World?

People Magazine has christened Aussie Hugh Jackman as this year's sexiest man alive.

Sorry, I don't see it. Of course, I didn't understand the choice of Matt Damon last year either, so who am I to judge?

In a predictably inane article about their choice, People offers: He's a triple threat: a star who can sing, dance and wield a weapon.

Now you use the words 'sing' and 'dance' in a sentence and I'm thinking Lance Bass.

Hugh's a nice looking guy, I'll grant you that, but sexiest man alive?

Guaranteed to Send Pat Robertson Over the Edge

Kissin' Cousins?

Australian researchers believe that humans and kangaroos shared a common ancestor about 150 million years ago.

From the Daily Mail:

'There are a few differences, we have a few more of this, a few less of that, but they are the same genes and a lot of them are in the same order,' said Jenny Graves, director of the Centre of Excellence for Kangaroo Genomics.

'We thought they'd be completely scrambled, but they're not. There is great chunks of the human genome which is sitting right there in the kangaroo genome,' she added.

Crikey! Can it be true? Can you trust an organization called the Centre of Excellence for Kangaroo Genomics?

Just Plain Nasty

McFarland hiding hypodermic needles behind his back

A New Jersey grand jury has indicted a Pennsylvania dentist, Thomas McFarland, Jr., on charges of dumping medical waste into the Townsend Inlet from a boat.

He has been charged with unlawful discharge of a pollutant and unlawful disposal of regulated medical waste.

The debris, including 260 dental-type needles, washed up along a stretch of beach the next day, and forced officials in Avalon to close the beaches five times in August.

My suggestion is, of course, to dump him into the inlet. After the trial naturally.

Naughty or Nice?

Not only does the AFA offer life sized lighted crosses, but they have a "Naughty or Nice" list. I've removed the phone and e-mail info. If you want to complain to the naughty retailers, you'll just have to hunt them down yourself.

AFA's 2008 listing of top retailers and how they recognize Christmas

Based on current advertising, below is a list of companies that avoid, ban, or use the term "Christmas" in their advertising. We urge you to contact the "naughty" companies by using the contact information provided below. We will continually update the list, so check back often.

Criteria - AFA reviewed up to four areas to determine if a company was "Christmas-friendly" in their advertising: print media (newspaper inserts), broadcast media (radio/television), website and/or personal visits to the store.

If a company's ad has references to items associated with Christmas (trees, wreaths, lights, ect.), it was considered as an attempt to reach "Christmas" shoppers.
If a company uses the term "Christmas" on a regular basis, we consider that company Christmas friendly.
A company may be removed from the "bad" list by providing documention to AFA.
*Some companies may use "Christmas" sparingly in a single or unique product description, but as a company, does not recognize it.

Companies against "Christmas"
updated 11-14-08

Barnes&Noble Offers "Holiday Gift Guide." Christmas not found on website. Maybe they're just being inclusive of other holidays? Like maybe Hannukah?

Best Buy AFA's top SCROOGE Award winner. The 2008 "Holiday Gift Guide" goes out of its way to avoid Christmas. In an online survey, Best Buy refers to Christmas as "this holiday." But I know Bob Cratchit shops there.

Costco Costo's "Holiday Catalog" is obvious in purposely avoiding the use of Christmas. Heavily references "holiday" in its Gift Guide Catalog.

CVS Pharmacy CVS offers a "Holiday Center" on its website. The Nov. paper insert avoids using the term "Christmas."

Happy Holiday, honey. Here's some Sudafed so you can make your own crystal meth.

Dollar General - Offers "holiday" shopping on its website. No reference to Christmas.

Gap Stores (Gap, Old Navy) - Gap stores avoid using Christmas at every opportunity, being a very secular company. Maybe they're just non-discriminatory. Just sayin'.

Kroger -Website uses "holiday" extensively. Weekly ad uses "holiday."

Office Depot - Newspaper inserts reference "holiday" only. Website void of Christmas references.

Nothin' says :"Merry Christmas" like a ream of copier paper.

Olive Garden Do people really eat there?

Petsmart - In-store signage avoids using Christmas altogether. All Dogs Go to Heaven anyway.

Radio Shack - Website search for "Christmas" results in "holiday" page. No mention of Christmas anywhere.

Staples - Staples' press release referred to "holiday" 13 times without a single mention of Christmas. Last year, Staples emailed a customer to say it refused to post "Christmas" signs in their store.

Again, the stapler as ultimate Christmas gift.

SUPERVALU -Owns Albertsons and Jewel-Osco. Refers to Christmas decorations as "holiday" on website and weekly ads.

Now if you really want to know where to spend your money this holiday season, excuse me, Christmas season:

Companies FOR "Christmas" updated 11-14-08
Bed Bath & Beyond
Belk
Big Lots
Dollar Tree
Family Dollar
Home Depot
Kmart
Lowe's
Macy's
Rite Aid
Sears
Target
Walgreens
Wal-Mart/Sam's Club -

Keeping the Cross in Christmas

Nothing says Merry Christmas quite like a 5 1/2 foot lit cross on your front lawn. Or on the lawn of that new black family that moved into town.

The American Family Association is offering this display on their website for $81.85, but that includes shipping and possibly bail money.

Beat the Press

Misquoted SC priest

Father Jay Scott Newman, pastor of St. Mary's Church in Greenville, SC was evidently misquoted by the press. Apparently he wasn't even the one who was misquoted, the church's newsletter was.

The AP's headline read: "S.C. Priest: No Communion for Obama Supporters," but wasn't 100% accurate.

Before the AP picked up the story, Diocese of Charleston Administrator Monsignor Martin Laughlin sent an e-mail to Father Newman applauding his article in the newsletter, but when the inflammatory headline hit the media Monsignor Laughlin did an about face and issued the following:

[the Catholic Church’s] “clear, moral teaching on the evil of abortion” [was] “pulled into the partisan political arena” [by the priest’s letter and that Fr. Newman’s actions have] “diverted the focus” [from Catholic teaching on abortion and] “do not adequately reflect the Catholic Church’s teachings. Any comments or statements to the contrary are repudiated.”

According to the Catholic News Agency: [The original article in The Greenville News correctly noted that Fr. Newman said that] “church teaching doesn't allow him to refuse Holy Communion to anyone based on political choices, but that he'll continue to deliver the church's strong teaching on the ‘intrinsic and grave evil of abortion’ as a hidden form of murder.”

So what can we take from all of this? You may take what you will, but for me I gather that priests are allowed to say anything they want (Reverend Wright, please take note) unless and until their superior gets wind of some 'bad press.' Then they get to spew a lot of double talk that may or may not make any sense and hope the whole issue goes away.

Burn, Baby, Burn!

A homeless man was convicted in February of setting two fires in California in 2002 and 2006 that burned 163,000 acres. I believe he was sentenced recently and ordered to pay $101 million in restitution.

Now stop me if I'm wrong, but I think that if he had $101 million he probably wouldn't have been homeless.

So while the State of California is waiting for Stephen Butcher to write them a check, he's also been sentenced to 4 years in prison. Personally I think I would have given him a 'home' for a lot longer than that.

I guess he is off the hook for the current blazes in California.

Huff Po's Sense of Humor

I don't understand this photograph.

The Huffington Post used it as their picture for an imported article from boston.com about the Depression.

What the hell does this picture have to do with the economic crisis?

And then it hit me.

It must be a picture of the elderly receiving painless suicide injections as one might have seen in the cinema classic, Soylent Green.

Nah, it's probably just old folks lining up for their flu shots, but I like my idea better. It's more apocalyptic.

Brazilian Whacking

Scene of the crime

First of all let me say that when Brazilian trader, Paulo Sergio Silva, decided to off himself on the exchange floor in Sao Paolo, he didn't try to take a few innocent bystanders with him.

In fact trading that involves actual people was only delayed for 15 minutes.

Nice work, Paolo. We hope you recover, because suicide isn't really the answer to this economic crisis.

And it was really thoughtful of you not to jump in front of a subway at rush hour. You seem like a considerate guy, and we send you cyber flowers.

Dear Season

Not the real asshole

Edward Taibi, 45, of Queens, NY killed a toddler at her grandparents' home yesterday. He had been up in a tree stand (a real sporting place to begin with) and shot a deer. Then for some reason he fired again near the trailer these folks called home in Sullivan County, NY. He hit 16 month old Charly Skala in the upper body. She later died at Westchester Medical Center.

Now before I get the NRA all over me like a cheap suit, I have to say that if you want to hunt for food you need to go out into the wilderness, and I mean not within 50 miles of civilization. Don't tell me this ass wipe from New York City was going to starve to death if he didn't bag a deer yesterday.

And then to fire for no reason? Was he aiming for this kid or did he just think that people who live in trailers deserve to be shot?

He is being held on a second degree manslaughter charge.

New Report: Being Fat is Bad

Why would one fat guy punch another in the stomach?

Looking like this isn't good for your health, medical authorities state after years of study. Not only that, but it makes it harder for you to get laid.

So not only are you going to die prematurely, but you're going to die alone, surrounded by Whopper wrappers and wearing your man bra.

It Tastes Just Like Tang!

"Wee, wee, wee, wee all the way home!"

Today the astronauts who just arrived at the space station will start doing a few little home improvements. Even though they will be installing a second lavoratory, they will also be recycling their own piss for drinking.

There's nothing quite like sitting back with your space mates and sipping a glass of l'eau nouveau to bring you all together as a family.

Chou the Murderer

Actually his name is Jing Hua Wu

Police have released the picture of this alleged murderer who is armed, dangerous and running amok in the Silicon Valley area of California.

Wu recently lost his job as an engineer at a start up company, but he made a return visit to the office with a handgun and shot and killed three people.

Wu, couldn't you just go to the unemployment office like the rest of the laid off workers? No, you had to make a big bloody statement and start killing people.

Joe the Signmaker

Welcome to Spamalot

One of the 13 Spam restaurants in Austin, MN

In case you were wondering where Spam comes from, and we don't mean the Spam that shows up in your in-box, it comes from Austin, Minnesota.

It's manufactured by the Hormel Foods Corporation and since July two shifts of workers have been toiling seven days a week to pump out this sort-of meat product due to the high demand.

A 12-ounce can of Spam, marketed as “Crazy Tasty,” costs about $2.40.

When times are tough, Americans race to buy sort-of food. Other sort-of foods that are selling well:

• Velveeta
• Kraft Macaroni & Cheese
• Jell-O
• Kool-Aid
• Pancake mixes
• Instant potatoes