Charlie Wilson's Bore

"Oh, Charlie! You're such a tool!"

Bear in mind I'm always a day late, dollar short when it comes to movies since I don't go to the theatre and instead watch them on the pay channels like HBO.

That's why my review of "Charlie Wilson's War" is eleven months late. But, as they say, better late than never.

In truth, I didn't watch more than 20 or 30 minutes of this movie, and believe me, that was plenty.

The film opens with Charlie receiving an award, apparently from the CIA, in a clandestine airplane hangar with maybe a 100 people in attendance. So we already know Charlie's done well. You can turn off the movie now.

Seriously though, should you continue, the next scene takes place in Vegas. Charlie climbs into a hot tub with naked hookers and his male comrade.

If you've ever wondered if Tom Hanks has a dick, this scene won't reveal the answer. All this gratuitous nudity will tell you is that Charlie Wilson, Congressman from east Texas, would rather watch Dan Rather dressed as an Afghan rock farmer than try to get it on in the hot tub with the coke snorting sweeties. So that proves he's not a complete hedonist.

Oh, I guess I should mention this takes place in 1980.

Okay, we get the picture. Charlie likes promiscuous sex and hard liquor, as scene after scene tells us.

Philip Seymour Hoffman is introduced as a CIA operative with a bad temper. He has a meeting with John Slattery (we like him better in Mad Men) and he breaks John's office window (again!) and then goes to the cafeteria.

Charlie goes to Julia Roberts' place where she's having a slave girl sale (I think for charity). Of course they have sex (no sign of Hanks' Captain Winkie) and then Charlie lies in the bathtub while Julia's character puts on layer after layer of eye make-up, all the while telling him why he needs to go to Pakistan.

Amy Adams plays Charlie's assistant. Her role in Enchanted was more believable.

Charlie goes to Pakistan and orders a glass of whiskey, but of course you can't get any hard liquor in this Muslim country. Joke's on Charlie!

This was where I turned off the movie.

Mike Nichols directed this movie. Maybe he needs to stay home or look up Elaine May and they can revive their comedy act of the 1950's.

Lesson: You can't always mix up some Academy Award winners in a cinematic toilet bowl and expect to come up with anything worthwhile.