The Horse Ate My Homework

"The horse ran into my car."

Monday night NYPD Detective turned NY TV crime reporter, Mike Sheehan, was arrested for hitting an NYPD horse with his car. He refused to take a Breathalyzer test, but insisted he 'didn't hit nothin'." Sadly, he might not have known he hit the creature (who got away with a few scrapes and bruises).

This all happened on the street where his sister lives. Funny thing is, I went to school with his sister and I know Mike.

Once upon a time when Mike first joined the force, he gave me a ride home in his yellow Camaro. He drove down Second Avenue at 85mph, running every red light. Fortunately God was his co-pilot that evening and I arrived home unscathed.

Special thanks to Pat and Andrew for the tip on this story.

Show Nobody Watches Renewed till 2011

Actors from Show Nobody Watches

NBC is at it again, making really bad programming decisions.

First they schedule Jay Leno at 10 pm Monday through Friday starting in the fall.

Then they move Jimmy Fallon into Conan O'Brien's slot so Conan can replace Leno. This may or may not work out.

Now they have renewed "Friday Night Lights" till 2011. NBC has some weird deal with DirecTV wherein DirecTV airs the shows before the network. Please explain how this makes sense.

The drama is averaging 4.5 million viewers this season, down 27 percent from its year ago average of 6.2 million, according to Nielsen Media Research figures. But it's among the most popular primetime series for upscale young adults, an audience favored by advertisers.

Sorry, but I know a few upscale young adults and they wouldn't even know what the hell this show is. Oh, it's about Texas and high school football. I think.

NYC Hosts Unemployment Olympics

The weather cooperated for the first Unemployment Olympics held today in Tompkins Square Park in New York.

Activities included a phone toss, Pin the Blame on the Boss and a Race to the Unemployment Office.

An unemployed computer programmer came up with the idea. With ideas like this, you'd think he'd be working.

Fashion!

Someone designed this and stuck it on this model to walk down the runway in an Italian fashion show.

If she's beaten with sticks for wearing this, it'll be because people think she's a pinata.

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

On Monday's show, I understand that Oprah Winfrey visited the FLDS Yearning for Zion ranch in Texas. Disclaimer: I didn't watch it, I only know what I read about it.

Oprah, obviously not looking for a job in journalism, asked the hard hitting questions of the women, like, "What's with the poofy thing going on?" regarding their hair.

They assured her it's the style, and lest you think it takes up all their day most can achieve the Prairie Poof in fifteen minutes at the most.

Perhaps they allowed Oprah access to their cult only if she didn't ask any real questions. I would want to know what would possess a woman to put up with this polygamy crap, how they could allow their daughters to be 'married off' to much older men when they are teenagers, and how young men are driven off the compound so that the old dudes have access to the free range chickies.

But that's just me.

The First Rule of Cam Club

Police on Long Island, NY arrested Omar Romero, owner of the Poloros Restaurant in Mineola, charging him with two counts of unlawful surveillance.

Mr. Romero put a camera in the ladies' room where alert waitresses and patrons noticed it in the ceiling. The cable ran down to the owner's basement office.

Unfortunately there were also surveillance cameras that showed Mr. Romero installing the potty cam.

No word on who his lawyer is, but it better be a good one.

Madonna Adopting Africa One at a Time

"Help meeeeee."

It came as no surprise to me that half-century old bazillionaire, Madonna, is planning on adopting another baby from Malawi. This time she's buying, er, adopting, a four year old girl.

The jet-setting superstar who is most comfortable on stage flexing her muscles in her underwear no doubt will make a superb mother to another child.

Only 999,999,999 people left on the continent for her to adopt. Let's get with the program, girlfriend!

So This Bob Cat Walks into a Bar ....

"I like my patrons shaken, not stirred."

It is definitely time to stop drinking when a bobcat walks into your bar.

In Cottonwood, Arizona a bobcat attacked two men in the Chapparal Bar. Police think this was the same bobcat that scratched a woman who thought she had hit it with her car. NTS: Do not get out of vehicle if I suspect I have run over a bobcat.

There were also reports of a bobcat acting aggressively towards a woman outside a Pizza Hut. Let's face it, folks, isn't acting aggressively what bobcats do best?

Sadly, the bobcat was shot and killed outside the bar by police.

What's a voracious carnivore got to do for a pizza and a beer around here?

Sham Wow Shame

Recognize the mug shots of this dude? Yup, that's Vince Schlomi who has been an univited guest in your home hawking Sham Wows on your TV.

Vince got himself in a heap o'trouble, and not because he was using paper towels instead of the Sham Wow.

Seems he picked up a hooker in Luigi's in Miami. They went back to his hotel room where he gives her a grand for 'straight sex.'

She then bit his tongue and wouldn't let go! What's a Sham Wow guy to do? Well, punch her in the face till she lets go, that's what.

Then Vince high-tailed it down to the lobby. The adventure culminated in the arrest of Vince and Sasha, the hooker.

Now about those Sham Wows, Vince. Will I really never need paper towels again?

A Good Time for Drugs

Things are looking good that the Rockefeller Drug Laws of the 1970s are going to be history once and for all.

Non-violent and low level felony offenders will either be placed in treatment centers (at one third the cost of incarceration) or released. This will free up prison space for real criminals.

In another drug story, it may be time to think about going back to church services.

A federal judge has decided that members of Oregon's Church of the Holy Light of the Queen will be allowed to consume a hallucinogenic tea (hoasca) under the religious freedom restoration act. Hey, fair is fair. If American Indians can use peyote in their quest for the divine, why can't these guys?

I think this is what George Carlin meant by "The Church of What's Happening Now."

Holy Bankruptcy, Bibleman!

It must suck to be an adult who was once a child star.

Willie Aames, who you might remember from sitcoms "Eight is Enough" and "Charles in Charge," held a garage sale at his home in Kansas yesterday. He's in need of some quick cash to keep his house out of foreclosure.

Aames, after picking up the drug and alcohol addictions that are so prevalent among young stars grown up, became a born again Christian in the 1990s which segued into being a minister and then Bibleman.

Well, last year he tried to commit suicide and failed after filing for bankruptcy, having his car repoed and having Mrs. Aames bail.

All is not lost, however. Reportedly someone is going to make a documentary of his life. I think it should be an After School Special.

No Father's Day Tie for Alfie This Year

You may recall we reported on 13-year-old Alfie Patten's fatherhood recently. How he was able to snuggle infant Maisie and play video games simultaneously! Let's see Ozzie Nelson or Osbourne do that!

Alas and alack, it has now been revealed that Alfie is, in fact, not the baby's father. Apparently Chantelle Steadman, the now 15-year-old mother, was screwing around while Alfie committed Grand Theft Auto.

Who is the real daddy? Chantelle tisn't saying.

Chinese Attack Gerbils!

As if it wasn't bad enough that the godless Chinese only permit one child per family, now they are attacking the procreative rights of gerbils.

In western China authorities have scattered abortion pills that look like bran in hope of controlling the fertile four-legged creatures.

"It's a good way to tackle the desert rat plague," local forestry official Du Yuefei was quoted as saying.

Desert rats? What a horrible thing to call the little guys! One man's rat is another man's asshole buddy.

A Wise Guy, eh?

The Three Stooges?

For some reason the Farrelly brothers think it would be a good idea to make a movie about the three stooges. Someone might actually be giving them money to make it.

According to Variety:

Studio has set Sean Penn to play Larry, and negotiations are underway with Jim Carrey to play Curly, with the actor already making plans to gain 40 pounds to approximate the physical dimensions of Jerome "Curly" Howard. The studio is zeroing in on Benicio Del Toro to play Moe.

Questions that beg to be asked:

1) Is this a good idea?

2) Will people do anything for money?

3) Who in the name of all that is good and holy is the casting director?

Just Sayin'

Your very own murderer, available on Craig's List

Those of you out of the New York metropolitan area may not have heard about the brutal stabbing death of ABC Radio reporter, George Weber, in his home in Brooklyn.

Turns out George planned a rendezvous with someone he found on Craig's List (or who found him) for a little S&M for pay.

Unfortunately a 16 year old kid named John Katehis answered the ad and perhaps got a bit carried away in the sadism slot.

Of course all of this is 'alleged' at this point.

Word to the Wise: If you're into brutal sex it might be a good idea to take the money you would have paid the prostitute and spend it on therapy for yourself. Just sayin'. There are predators and victims. Not good to be either, but especially the latter.

Never Say Neverland

So here's the story.

A Los Angeles auction house, Julien's Auctions, was reportedly contacted last July about conducting an auction at Michael Jackson's abandoned Neverland Ranch.

The auctioneer, Darien Julien, said they found Neverland in shambles, but nevertheless started removing items that will be sold in April.

This month Michael Jackson's lackies have started a fight to stop the auction, including threatening Julien with physical harm.

Jackson, by all accounts, is broke. Estimates are that the auction can raise between $10 and $20 million. All depends on how many people want one white glove.

Have Wax, No Whacks

No weed whackers needed at the Jersey shore this summer!

Here in New Jersey we have the usual problems including unemployment, a state budget deficit, the highest property taxes in the nation, and costly auto insurance. Are we worried about any of that?

Hell no!

We're concerned about Brazilian bikini waxes!

The problem started when a few women complained to the Department of Consumer Affairs over injuries when they got their pubies yanked. Well, chickies, if you can't stand the waxing, get out of the salon!

But as of last Friday, Consumer Affairs Director David Szuchman pulled the plug as it were and now there won't be any ban on the Brazilian waxes.

"It was an unnecessary issue," said spa owner Linda Orsuto. "In New Jersey especially, where the government has been picking our pockets for so long, it was like, 'Just stay out of our pants, will you?'"

Yeah, Department of Consumer Affairs! Stay out of our pants.

Oh by the way, Linda Orsuto rakes in about $90K a year on the Brazilians alone.

I'm thinkin' she's got the market cornered on the most hirsute of Jerseyans.

Darling, We Need to Talk

House o'Handcuffs

A man called 911 from Fairfield, Connecticut saying his wife had handcuffed herself to him.

Helen Sun sneaked into her husband's room and handcuffed herself to him while he slept because she wanted to talk. When he tried to call for help she started biting and scratching him.

Robert Drawbough had already divorced her, but apparently she wasn't taking it well.

Sun was charged with third-degree assault, disorderly conduct, reckless endangerment and unlawful restraint.

Jesus is Coming!

And He's coming on a dinosaur! Holding an alligator while pteradactyls fly around Him.

This picture was originally on www.conservapedia.com but rumor has it that it was removed. Wonder why.

Have no fear. The evangelical answer to Wikipedia still has many other pictures and items for your perusal.

When Photoshopping Should be Illegal

There was a huge TLC extravaganza last summer when the Gosselins took their show on the road to Hawaii. Of course, it was just your typical slice of ordinary life for the family that includes two sets of multiples. Doesn't every unemployed couple with nine years of marriage under their belt and eight kids head off to Hawaii to renew their vows?

As you can see in the picture above the oldest girls couldn't have been less impressed with the goings-on. That's Cara on the left and Mady on the right. Neither one of them could crack a smile for the cameras. Probably, I suspect, because they're miserable.

Never you mind. Reality has no business being on reality TV!

Here we have the Photoshopped version of the same picture as it appears on the cover of the Season 4 DVD. The twins are now beaming! Kate is holding Leah! Now they're a happy family just waiting for you to spend your hard earned money on the latest chapter of their children's exploitation.