Help Wanted

The dude not in the shadows is the Pope's butler, Paolo Gabriele.  He allegedly leaked top secret Papal documents in a Vatican power struggle.  The head of the Vatican's bank was kicked to the curb as a result of this clash.

We personally don't think there could be anything more scandalous than the cover-up of priestly paedophilia, but apparently there is -- at least to the Vatican's band of merry men.

Now there are accusations that some cardinals are also involved in the leaking business.  Of course!  This comes from the heart of the land that brought you the Mafia.  The Vatican -- once home to the Borgias and the home of the Papal States!

It appears that basically the Vatican doesn't want anyone to know their secret business especially in the world of finance.  Hmmmmm.  Could they possibly have something to hide?

Bad Boys

The Vatican has been named in an International Court Complaint in The Hague filed by human rights attorneys and victims of clerical sexual abuse.

Rock on with your bad selves.

The complaint urges the investigation of Pope Benedict XVI and three other top ranking Vatican officials for abetting and covering up the rape and sexual assault of children by priests. It names five cases specifically from the international arena where these crimes against humanity occurred.

Even if the Court refuses to hear the case on the basis that it does not have jurisdiction, attention will be focused on the big, bad boys at the top of the heap which may be the best the plaintiffs can hope for.

Top o' the Mornin'

This is Ireland's Prime Minister, Enda Kenny, and if I could give him a big ol' hug today I would.

This week he called out the Vatican on their disgraceful attempts to cover up the pedophilia in the Church in Ireland. It marks the end of Ireland's deference to the Vatican.

The Cloyne Report, released on July 13th, found that priests in the rural diocese of Cloyne did not act on reports of priestly pedophilia as recently as 2009. It also said that the Vatican had discouraged bishops from observing child protection guidelines adopted in 1996. No doubt so they could keep buggering the little ones. In fact in a 1997 letter, the Vatican told Irish bishops to ignore the crime reporting policy as it undermined canon law and had not won the approval of the Holy See. Indeed.

In retaliation, the Vatican recalled their ambassador to Ireland, which, we can only hope, will be permanent.

There Once Was a Priest from Nantucket ...

Even if you or your loved ones didn't have your private parts touched by a priest when you were kids, you no doubt have heard about the amazing number of Roman Catholic priests who have sexually molested children. In fact, you may have read about it right here on this blog!

Lest you still think that the Vatican was/is covering up these abuses, you should know they commissioned a million dollar study at the John Jay School of Criminal Justice to explain it all to you. Oh, and they gave them all the numbers and data for the investigation, but we are absolutely positive that did not bias the report.

The results are in, boys and girls!

The reason those priests ordained in the 1940s and 1950s had a penchant for young folks is because of the social upheaval of the 1960s. Yes, you see they hadn't been trained as it were to lead a celibate life so when everyone was smoking doobie and participating in crazy orgies on just about every street corner, they went after children for their personal sexual liberation.

Right.

This argument makes no sense whatsoever. If it was really the sexual revolution that turned grown men into drooling messes, wouldn't they just have gone after people their own ages with whom to have their own personal love-ins and not with children?

Undoubtedly the reason for celibacy which became de rigeur in the Church in the 12th century, was so that the church's hierarchy could not pass on the land they owned to their offspring. Things were getting pretty messy in the medieval church.

Seems a little hard to believe that in the ensuing seven hundred years seminaries didn't develop some sort of a training manual on how to lead a celibate life and what to do when confronted by a society that rubs your nose in its fornication.

Maybe we just heard about priestly paedophilia for the first time in the 1960s because dirty little secrets were finally being discussed openly.

As for this new report, let's roll it and smoke it.

Vaticant

You'll never guess.

98 percent of sexually active Catholic women use some form of birth control banned by the Vatican. Only two percent utilize 'natural family planning,' a/k/a contraceptive roulette.

These numbers come from the 2006-2008 National Survey of Family Growth and show a rise of 1% from figures issued in 2002.

Seems as if Catholic women are just like other American women when it comes to planning their families.

Cardinal Sins

Oh jolly!

This is Cardinal Walter Kasper who is the travel agent for the Vatican. He's the dude who put together the papal visit to the U.K. which is going on right this very minute!

Unfortunately he's home minding the store since he very unwisely called Great Britain a "third world country." It's a third world country because of its aggressive atheism.

Then the Vatican said what the Cardinal meant was Great Britain has a multicultural society. I suppose that means everyone is not a white man who abuses children.

Oh Happy Day!

"Heh, heh, heh."

As you may recall, a plaintiff identified only as 'John Doe' filed a lawsuit against the Vatican in 2002, claiming he was abused by a Roman Catholic priest named Father Ronan.

The U.S. Supreme Court refused to hear the Vatican's appeal as submitted by attorney Jeffrey Lena which is based on their assertion that the priest wasn't the Vatican's employee so they can't be held responsible for any child molestation he may have committed.

Oh, really now, boys?

I'll bet he got a paycheck which, if we look hard enough, could be traced back to Rome.

Anyway, snaps to the Court for throwing this out with the other rubbish.

In Bruges

The Belgian police stormed the offices of the Roman Catholic Church looking for evidence to be used in prosecuting pedophile priests. They also grilled members of the Belgian Bishops' Council for nine hours.

The Vatican was dismayed and called it a 'shock.' No more shocking than having a priest touch your wee-wee, sirs.

The police even drilled into the tombs of two Belgian cardinals and used cameras to search them for documents.

Looks like they mean business.

Strike While the Iron is Hot

Way to go, women of the Catholic Church!

While the men are trying to protect their collective balls, get a good high-heeled shot off to their groin!

You may not know this, but the Roman Catholic Church has been having a yearlong celebration of the priest. I'm hoping that didn't include pedophile priests.

The Vatican says women can't be priests because they don't have penises. Yes, that's true, although they managed to word it somewhat less repulsively.

"While the hierarchy spends their time covering up scandals and throwing major celebrations for themselves, Catholic women are working for justice and making a positive difference in the world," said Erin Saiz Hanna, the Women's Ordination Conference executive director.

Vatican No Likee Teddy

I guess Pope Benedict XVI hasn't said much about the death of Ted Kennedy but one of his lackeys said plenty.

"Here in Rome, Ted Kennedy is nobody. He's a legend with his own constituency," says the Vatican official. "If he had influence in the past, it was only with the Archdiocese of Boston, and that eventually disappeared too."

Now would that be the same Archdiocese that did its best to keep the stories of priestly pedophilia quiet?

Not necessary to say anything, Vatican dude. If the Boss Man was quiet, you could have been too.

Kennedy's Appointment to Vatican Aborted

Man, is she wrinkled!

Story is that President Obama was going to appoint Caroline Kennedy to be Ambassador to the Vatican. After all, she supported him in his bid for the presidency and wasn't able to get herself appointed to the senate via New York's Governor Patterson.

Well, the Vatican doesn't think that's going to be a happenin' thing. After all, Ms. Kennedy is a pro-choice sort of girl and abortion is a big no-no at the Vatican.

So, it's back to the drawing board for Caroline's future plans. Hmmm. What could she be appointed to that wouldn't be controversial, important or necessary?

Happy International Women's Day!

Yesterday was International Women's Day in case you didn't know. Yes, it was a day set aside to applaud women and their accomplishments.

According to an article in the official Vatican newspaper, Osservatore Romano:

“In the 20th century, what contributed most to the emancipation of Western women?” questioned the article. “The debate is still open. Some say it was the pill, others the liberalisation of abortion, or being able to work outside the home. Others go even further: the washing machine.”

News Flash! Men can also do the wash, but you would never expect this misogynist organization to acknowledge that fact.

In the Independent:

Since Pope Benedict became the leader of the world’s 1.1 billion Catholics, he has published a religious document condemning contraception for “negating the intimate truth of conjugal love, with which the divine gift [of life] is communicated” and has urged pharmacists to refuse to dispense the morning-after pill. The Osservatore Romano held the pill responsible for polluting the environment and contributing to male infertility.

And let's not forget global warming and the economic crisis.

Oh, and by the way. The man who impregnated his 9-year-old stepdaughter with twins after abusing her repeatedly over three years has not been excommunicated. The child's mother and doctor have been.

According to The Daily Dish:

Doctors performed the abortion Wednesday, saying they feared the pregnancy could kill her because of her slim frame. Upon learning of the abortion, the regional archbishop excommunicated the doctors, as well as the girl's mother. He did not excommunicate the step-father, saying the crime he is alleged to have committed, although deplorable, was not as bad as ending a fetus's life.

Bad News from the Vatican

Delusional Bishop Dude

Those who don't think that Pope Benedict XVI was a member of the Hitler Youth are going to have a hard time defending his decision to reinstate four excommunicated bishops, one of whom does not believe the Holocaust ever occurred.

Bishop Richard Williamson was excommunicated along with three other bishops after they had been ordained by another reckless bishop, Marcel Lefebvre. Are you following? Lefebvre pretended the Second Vatican Council never happened and did whatever the hell he wanted. This pissed off Pope John Paul II and they were excommunicated.

Well, PJPII is dead, as is Lefebvre, so to make one big happy family, Pope Benedict XVI, has welcomed the bishops back into the fold.

Problem is, Richard Williamson has some views that are just plain unacceptable.

Bishop Williamson, who has said that the Vatican is controlled by Satan (okay, we won't argue with him on that) and that the Jews are bent on world domination, reiterated in a broadcast last week on Swedish television that the historical evidence was “hugely against six million having been deliberately gassed in gas chambers as a deliberate policy of Adolf Hitler. I believe there were no gas chambers”.

I am afraid that all of my reservations about the elevation of Cardinal Ratzinger to the papal office are achieving realization. Having a Papal YouTube connection is not going to put the church in the 21st century.

Bless Me Father

Okay, I don't get this. Maybe I'm missing something.

The Vatican is upset because fewer and fewer Catholics are going to confession. In order to get more of them in the confessional box they've decided to open up the Apostolic Penitentiary. Sounds like a prison for apostles to me.

Now, I didn't know that there are some sins that are so heinous a priest cannot grant absolution only the Pope can. For instance, desecrating the Holy Eucharist which Catholics believe is the body of Christ. The Apostolic Penitentiary, which has been around for over 800 years, is the division of the Vatican that hears these serious sins.

There recently was a two day conference in which the Penitentiary was opened up to the public for the first time and this is supposed to get more Catholics to go to confession. I have absolutely no idea why.

According to the AP:
Vatican officials frequently point to a study carried out by Italy's Sacred Heart University that found that 47 percent of people in Italy - a majority Roman Catholic country - never went to confession or did so a long time ago.
"We cannot hide that the sacrament of penance is threatened in this time of secularization," Girotti said. But he stressed that it remained "fundamental for salvation and the sanctification of souls."

I'm guessing that a lot of Catholics don't see the need to have a priest act as intermediary for them. Maybe they think telling your sins to a priest is just plain silly. Taking them on a tour of a "Sin Action Central" doesn't seem to be enough to make a difference, but that's just me.

Do You See What I See?

Pope cancels Mary's World Wide Tour

Apparently it's not going to be as easy as it used to be to get people to believe you saw the Blessed Virgin Mary on your closet door or that your life size Mary statue is weeping tears of blood.

Nope. The Vatican is drawing up a book called the "vademecum" with a new set of ground rules for getting your apparitions (a/k/a hallucinations) approved by them. This is the first time they've updated the rules since 1978.

The first rule of Fright Club is "You must not talk about Fright Club." That's right. Tell anyone about your apparition and all bets are off.

So I guess you whisper to your local bishop that Mary's been showing up in your shower stall (hypothetical situation) and a team of shrinks comes and examines you to see if you're in need of anti-psychotic medication. In the report I read it said the psychiatrists would be "Catholics or atheists." What's wrong with a good old Jewish psychiatrist?

I digress.

After that some theologians study the messages you get from Our Lady of the Shower Stall to see if they contravene the Church's teachings.

If you get the green light from the shrinks and the theologians do they give your hallucination the stamp of approval?

Of course not! The next group of guys called in are the demonologists who will check to see that these messages aren't really being sent by Satan of the Shower Stall.

Once you are determined to 1) not have publicized your vision, 2) not to be crazy, 3) not to be undermining the teachings of the Vatican and 4) not to be possessed by the devil, your apparition can be submitted to the Head Honchos in Rome for their perusal.

It seems that there have been just way too many Mary sightings lately and the Vatican is getting damn sick of it.

I have always wondered why the Blessed Virgin Mary doesn't just go on television or even the web. Wouldn't people be a lot more likely to believe it's really her? Why does she persist in visiting little kids in impoverished and backwards locales? Someone needs to speak to her PR person.