Voodoo Dat?

Okay, I am officially starting a rumor a/k/a I am channelling Pat Robertson.

January 12th : Horrific earthquake in Haiti, which is, as you know, where the populace sold their souls to the Debbil so that Napoleon would leave. Or whatever.

February 7th: New Orleans Saints win their first Super Bowl championship in their first Super Bowl appearance. Ever.

Coincidence? I think not.

This is the circle of life, people! And there is an apocolyptic battle going on between good and evil and it's all because of those damned semi-French people.

Haiti ... New Orleans ... basically settled by the same sort of folks ... Creoles. They learn how to make jambalaya and cast spells using voodoo. They also think nothing of exposing their breasts.

So we have Hurricane Katrina sent by Jebus to flatten New Orleans, followed years later (but only a blink in heaven time) by an earthquake sent to flatten Port-au-Prince, followed by a victory for the football team from the aforementioned city hit by Katrina.

Yes, yes, we are witness to this! Amen! The south is getting hit with snowstorms this winter because of the increase in the volitility of the battle of good versus evil.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Magic Touch

You may not have heard that Haiti was hit by a 7.0 earthquake and a nasty aftershock. Yup, a couple of weeks ago.

There's been an outpouring of support. In fact, last Friday night there was almost nothing on television except the broadcast of a celebrity-filled telethon which raised the paltry sum of $54 million. Isn't that chump change for most of those people like George Clooney and Madonna? Oh, I forgot, Madonna's also buying Africa.

Well, have no fear. The Scientologists have landed!

John Travolta, closeted gay man and avid Scientologist, got his Boeing 707 out of the garage, filled it with K-rations and Scientologists, and took off for Port-au-Prince. Of course no medical supplies are needed because, Scientologists don't mess with that crazy medicine. Shit man, all they have to do is touch you!

According to the Lede Blog at the NY Times the French news agency Agence France-Presse ( no relation to French press coffee) reported how a French Scientologist named Sylvie was merely touching a Haitian victim who'd been found with a pillar lying on his leg for days.

“One hour ago he had no sensation in his left leg, so I explained the method to him, I touched him and after a while he said ‘now I feel everything’,” said Sylvie. “Otherwise they might have had to amputate his other leg.”

The news agency said that an American doctor at the hospital who asked not to be identified commented sarcastically, “I didn’t know touching could heal gangrene.”

Don't Do That Voodoo

News comes this morning of a 7.0 earthquake in Haiti which resulted in much property destruction and death.

Bad news, but in truth I've never heard any good news about Haiti.

For instance, two years ago we read about food being so expensive that poor Haitians were eating cookies made out of dirt.

U.S. Marines were at one time stationed in Haiti for a period of twenty years and yet Haitians failed to learn how to play baseball. They share an island with the Dominican Republic, a country that is one of the foremost suppliers of major league baseball players. How is that possible?

There's also that issue of 'voodoo.' Haiti is the voodoo capital of the world so I've heard.

I suppose I still have a lot to learn about Haiti and its corrupt government, but my first advice to the Haitians after this mess is cleaned up would be to learn how to play America's pastime and ixnay on the doovooay.