Magic Touch

You may not have heard that Haiti was hit by a 7.0 earthquake and a nasty aftershock. Yup, a couple of weeks ago.

There's been an outpouring of support. In fact, last Friday night there was almost nothing on television except the broadcast of a celebrity-filled telethon which raised the paltry sum of $54 million. Isn't that chump change for most of those people like George Clooney and Madonna? Oh, I forgot, Madonna's also buying Africa.

Well, have no fear. The Scientologists have landed!

John Travolta, closeted gay man and avid Scientologist, got his Boeing 707 out of the garage, filled it with K-rations and Scientologists, and took off for Port-au-Prince. Of course no medical supplies are needed because, Scientologists don't mess with that crazy medicine. Shit man, all they have to do is touch you!

According to the Lede Blog at the NY Times the French news agency Agence France-Presse ( no relation to French press coffee) reported how a French Scientologist named Sylvie was merely touching a Haitian victim who'd been found with a pillar lying on his leg for days.

“One hour ago he had no sensation in his left leg, so I explained the method to him, I touched him and after a while he said ‘now I feel everything’,” said Sylvie. “Otherwise they might have had to amputate his other leg.”

The news agency said that an American doctor at the hospital who asked not to be identified commented sarcastically, “I didn’t know touching could heal gangrene.”