There's the Rub

This is Dr. Conrad Murray, the physician who has been indicted in the murder of Michael Jackson. Remember Michael Jackson? Well, he died. Last year. No kidding.

Apparently one of the things Dr. Murray was intent on hiding, besides the various incriminating pharmaceuticals that he prescribed for the late entertainer, was skin whitening cream a/k/a the cream.

This may come as a shock to some, but it seems as if Michael Jackson was actually lightening his skin and this was a bigger secret than all the others crammed into the closets of his life.

God of Pop

We couldn't be at Michael Jackson's funeral nor could we gaze upon his corpse, but we are certainly ... how shall we say? thrilled ... that La Toya, his beloved sister, has given us a report.

She reports that he looked "absolutely fabulous." She didn't amend that by adding, "for a guy whose been dead for two months."

Tasteful in death, MJ was interred wearing pearls. Oh, and a big gold belt like the kind that wrestlers win.

Sunglasses and a white glove were in the casket with him.

La Toya is well aware that Michael was NOT God, but she said "...he was certainly God-like. He was the closest thing to a god that I knew."

Wow.

Kattie B. Screws Gets Custody

Michael Jackson's ghost following his mother

Katherine Jackson will have full custody of her son's children. Of course, probably none of them are biologically his. The biological mother of the two eldest, Debbie Rowe, will get visitation rights even though she hasn't given a shit about them up to this point.

She was born Kattie B. Screws. I did not know that. Her father's name was Prince! Is that why two of the King of Pop's kids are named Prince?

Out of her 10 kids, how many were/are so emotionally and psychologically bruised that they could never lead normal lives? What are the chances of that happening to her alleged grandchildren? I would say, good to excellent.

Hair Razing Video!

Michael Jackson died because 25 years ago his hair caught fire while he was filming a Pepsi commercial.



If his hair hadn't caught fire he wouldn't have become addicted to painkillers, and if he hadn't become addicted to painkillers he'd still be alive.

So there you have it. The set up for the multi-bazillion dollar lawsuit against Pepsi so Paris and the Princes, including little Blanket, can have a trust fund.

The World in a Mirror

The whole world's gone nuts.

I tried to avoid the television coverage of the insanity that was the Michael Jackson funeral. I switched on ESPN to get sports news and what do I see? Kobe Bryant and Magic Johnson waxing poetic about Michael Jackson! WTF does Michael Jackson have to do with sports and why were Kobe and Magic acting like assholes in a way that did not involve a prostitute?

At least I was safe watching the Yankee game. Derek Jeter did not start moonwalking, I'm happy to report.

Paris, the little girl Jackson got to screw up

Look, people, Michael Jackson was an entertainer from Gary, Indiana. He did not spring from the loins of Mohammed. He and his brothers were sent out to work so his lazy ass parents didn't have to be gainfully employed.

Somewhere along the line he started to amend his body so that he looked more and more like a white woman. It was not a miracle. It was unethical medical intervention.

Through the use of money, payola, bribes, he got custody of three white kids who were in no way, shape or form actually related to him. Three kids who are missing the most important ingredient in successful child rearing ~ a mother.

He got himself deeply in debt by indulging in all his whims; the construction of the most bizarre amusement park on the planet, Neverland, and having children come and sleep in his bed with him. No, he was never convicted of child molestation, but it cost him a lot of money to pay people off and hire lawyers to protect his sorry ass.

And now people want to put him on a stamp to honor his memory? Why, because he liked to be licked?

Michael Jackson wasn't interested in anyone but himself. Okay, maybe he cared about the kids he dressed in burkas and dangled over hotel balcony railings, but you don't name kids you love Prince Michael I and Prince Michael II and nickname the latter 'Blanket.' This isn't Father Knows Best material.

Is he buried yet? I couldn't bear to watch. At least let's just bury this whole mess, shall we?

Debbie Rowe Thinks She's a Thoroughbred

Debbie Rowe, who was married to Michael Jackson for three years, has revealed that they never had sex and that the two kids she bore for him were the result of artificial insemination.

In her own delicate words: "I went to the 'office', which is what we called the medical clinic. They impregnated me. It's just like I impregnate my mares for breeding. It was very technical," she said. "Just like I stick the sperm up my horse, this is what they did to me. I was his thoroughbred."

Maybe horse's ass is more like it, Debbie, although we assume every filly has its price.

Nothing Like a Celebrity Death to Get You Out of Iran

Ever since the Iranian 'election,' Andrew Sullivan has blogged exclusively about the upheaval there. A few days, we could see, but a few weeks? I was beginning to think I was living in Tehran or at least Sully was.

There were other things going on in the world. What? He never heard of Jon & Kate?

You'll be happy to know Mr. Sullivan has finally snapped out of it and is now blogging about things people are genuinely interested in. Like the death of Michael Jackson.

Not a Good Week to be a Hollywood Icon

First we lost Ed McMahon, 86, known for being Johnny Carson's sidekick for decades and losing all his money. Sure, we touched on his rapping career as it was worth ridiculing, but hey, it was all in good fun!

Then Farrah Fawcett goes and loses her battle with cancer. Well, that sucks, and no, we never discussed Farrah here, just her worthless son and equally worthless paramour. Oh, and said worthless son couldn't even make it to his mother's deathbed. He may have been in prison, we're not sure, but that is the only reason for which he gets a pass.

And then we hear Michael Jackson has died! We had lots o'fun with Michael. When he was alive.

Did you forget the King of Pop had kids?

Everyone will be trying to figure out how to make a buck from his passing and it really doesn't matter if he died because his heart attacked him or because he was shot full of Demerol. He made some good music (Billie Jean, for instance) in his day before he went from being an African-American man to looking like a white woman.

Let us not forget he has kids. Remember the baby he dangled from a hotel window? Yeah, that's one of them. I remember thinking he shouldn't be around children even if they are his, but that's a moot point now.

Rest in peace, you guys.

Never Say Neverland

So here's the story.

A Los Angeles auction house, Julien's Auctions, was reportedly contacted last July about conducting an auction at Michael Jackson's abandoned Neverland Ranch.

The auctioneer, Darien Julien, said they found Neverland in shambles, but nevertheless started removing items that will be sold in April.

This month Michael Jackson's lackies have started a fight to stop the auction, including threatening Julien with physical harm.

Jackson, by all accounts, is broke. Estimates are that the auction can raise between $10 and $20 million. All depends on how many people want one white glove.

King of Pop Corn

Michael Jackson announced last week that he's launching a tour this summer. Already a million fans have gone on line to get tickets for his eight scheduled appearances in London on his 'farewell' junket.

So last night we were treated to the 13 American Idol contestants singing Michael Jackson songs.

Amazingly, the judges panned 3 out of the 4 performers they selected in the 'wild card' round last week, praising only one they'd picked. Yeah, that's right, Simon, Paula, Kara and Randy. The ones you picked suck.

Anyway, back to Michael Jackson. Why is he still dressing like Sergeant Pepper? And what is up with the nose? Is it a prothesis? If so, he needs to go back to Spencer Gifts and pick out a better one.