Breaking News from Fox

I think it's official. Twenty-four hour a day news channels are the worst thing that have ever happened to the world.

Take Fox News. Please. And even more importantly, Fox & Friends. Then jump off a bridge clutching them to your heaving breast.

Gretchen Carlson, accredited Oxford scholar, interviewed a young man named Colton Burpo who has written a book called Heaven is for Real. How does the youngster know this? Because he's been there!

Colton's ruptured appendix went undiagnosed for five days when he was four and while on the operating table he died and went to heaven. Well, at least he we went to heaven. He will happily describe it to you in his book. What he should be doing is describing it in the lawsuit filed against his incompetent doctor and hospital.

In any event, and we don't want to issue too many spoilers here, God is really big and can actually hold the whole world in His hands!

And Jesus, well as you Southern Christians might have guessed, has blue eyes.

Also no one in heaven is really old, which was of great relief to Gretchen Carlson. Her dumbstruck blonde bimbo look will endure for eternity.

Foxy Lady

Let me make this perfectly clear (as Richard Nixon would have said), I have a few rules that I live by. I don't give out my PIN number to total strangers, I do not stick safety pins in my eyes, and I don't watch Fox News.

Unfortunately I have seen clips from their programs and naturally I've come away with the impression that Gretchen Carlson is a total idiot. I remember watching her on CBS's Saturday Morning Show once upon a time and thinking she wasn't that bad, but something happened when she made the transition to the conservative Faux News.

Well, Jon Stewart has totally called her out on her 'dumb blonde' routine by pointing out that she was the valedictorian of her graduating high school class, attended Stanford University and studied at Oxford (not the Mississippi Oxford), and was the 1989 Miss America, playing a mean classical violin in the talent portion.

Disturbingly (although I didn't hear Stewart mention this) one of her childhood nannies in Minnesota was future congresswoman Michelle Bachmann, a well known idiot and member of the House of Representatives.

Could her future stint on Fox & Friends have been sealed at the knee of Representative Bachmann? Is that where she learned to so expertly 'dumb down?' It certainly would explain a lot of things. Perhaps we'll have to wait to read her autobiography.