Is That a Pistol in Your Pocket or Are You Just Glad to See Me?

In the new Catholic church as ushered in by Pope Francis I, we have been treated to archbishops and cardinals giving up their opulent mansions; however, we don't know if the newest pope has a remedy for this.

What do you do with a problem like Father Sean Thomson, priest at the University of Fairbanks (Alaska)?

Padre Sean was stopped by a state trooper when he was spotted weaving in and out of traffic and traveling at 79 mph in a 65 mph zone.

Thomson told Trooper Christopher Bitz that he had a .357 in the back seat when asked if he had any weapons.  He neglected to mention the 9mm pistol stuck in the pocket of his hoodie.

He also didn't tell the trooper that he had some weed on him as well.

However the good padre did say he was drunk and that the more definitive Datamaster breathalyzer wasn't necessary since he had already registered three times the legal limit on the handheld device.

Father Thomson has been charged with a DUI, refusal to take a chemical alcohol test, two counts of weapons misconduct.   He's due in court tomorrow so if you're in Fairbanks you might want to stop by the courthouse to see what happens.

Who Needs Terrorists?

Earlier this week there was a huge gas explosion in what used to be called Spanish Harlem and is now called East Harlem.  A residential building was reduced to rubble and as of this moment eight are confirmed dead with dozens injured.  Windows were blown out of others.

Was it Al-Qaeda?  

No, it was Con Edison -- Power Provider Extraordinaire.

The utility said they received a call from a nearby resident at 9:13 and dispatched a crew that got there after the event.

Although they claim there weren't any other calls about a gas smell, that isn't true.  A new line was supposed to be installed last June but no one seems to know if it had been.

The owner of the building had been issued a summons (which was paid) for vertical cracks found in the building by the aforementioned Con Ed.

Several dogs have been electrocuted when walking on manholes and grating, thanks to Con Ed.

Manholes have been blown sky high.

Con Edison -- killing New York a few at a time.

Pissed Off

Hmmm.  Let's see what's been happening in Florida lately.

The woman pictured above is Jennifer King Forshey and she teaches at a charter school in south Florida.

She was arrested the other day for forcing one of her 10-year-old African-American students to clean out one of the boys' urinals with his bare hands.

No word on why she did this but apparently it was some sort of disciplinary action.

The kid's hands stunk of piss and since there wasn't any soap in the lavatory (of course, why would there be?) he went to the principal's office to ask for some.  Or that would be to the dean's office since this is a public charter school.

That's when the story came out.

Ms. Forshey was released on $1,000 bail.

Putting the "Ola" After the Pay

How much do we love American politics?

A lot.

Case in point:  The upcoming trial of former Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell and his lovely wife, Maureen.

In case you missed it, they are alleged to have accepted about $160,000 in gifts from the CEO of Star Scientific which is a company based in Virginia that makes dietary supplements.  You know they didn't get those presents just because they're wonderful.  No, they had to do stuff for the company, political favors and all that.

What prezzies did they receive?

Oh, a private jet, golf outings, cash, a really expensive watch, vacations, etc.

We hear his lovely Maureen isn't really all that.  She apparently was the driving force behind the greed.

Do the Bears Shit in Sebring, Florida?

It's been a while since we brought you a story from the magical land of Florida.

We like this one about an 81-year-old retired teacher-woman who has been imprisoned for disobeying judge's orders to stop feeding the bears that hang out at her Sebring, Florida home, obviously to be fed.

When the coppers showed up to arrest Mary Musselman for doing just that, she threatened to kill them.  Maybe she was unaware that the fuzz don't like that.

She'd been warned several times that leaving 17 to 18 bowls of dog food a day out for her furry friends wasn't kosher and yet she continued.

She's being held without bail, her next hearing on March 3rd.  

Guess the bears'll have to make do without her.

RIP Mr. Hoffman

You may recall last June we suggested that Philip Seymour Hoffman be selected to play Mayor Rob Ford in a movie about the crack smoking bureaucrat.  We also mentioned at the time that Hoffman had been in rehab for his heroin addiction.

As you may have heard by now, Phil was found dead in his New York apartment on Sunday with a needle in his arm.

This saddened us.  Mr. Hoffman showed great talent as an actor and 46 is way too young to die, particularly by your own hand and accidentally at that.

The police are now searching for the dealer who sold him the 70 bags of heroin that were found in his apartment labeled either Ace of Spades or Ace of Hearts.

We suppose there's nothing else the police can do because you can't bring Mr. Hoffman back from the dead as much as we might want to and now someone else will have to star as Rob Ford in his biopic.

Is That a Woody or Are You Just Glad to See Me?

In case you didn't suspect Woody Allen was a disgusting pervert, you should be convinced now.

His adopted daughter, Dylan Farrow, has written a column for the New York Times in which she details the dreadful details of her childhood abuse at his hands.

So far Allen has no comment.

And Dylan says her abuse was so skillfully hidden that Mia Farrow had no idea it was going on until Dylan asked her one day, "Did your father do the things to you that my father does to me?"  We paraphrase, but you get the point.

Sorry, but we're not about to wipe Mia's slate clean.  There's some crazy shit going on with her but we won't get into that.  Well, okay, maybe we will.

There was some claim or possible claim recently that the child Farrow had by Allen, originally named Satchel and now Ronan, could actually be Frank Sinatra's son.

Obviously Ronan looks exactly like his mother but he also bears more than a passing resemblance to Ole Blue Eyes and absolutely no resemblance to Mr. Allen.

Genetics.  What a crazy thing.

How Not to Solve a Problem

Apparently the people in charge at one school in Utah are not aware that people are starving the world over.

The other day at Uintah Elementary School in Salt Lake City, forty students had their school lunches taken from them because they were behind in their lunch payments.  Then they threw the meals away.

Of course the kids were embarrassed and humiliated, and finally the school district apologized on its Facebook page.

What's Going on in Canada?

We think crack smoking Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is getting tickled in this picture but we may be wrong.  He may just be getting held up, as in, he can't stand up under his own power.

What has happened to Canadians?  Everybody wants to know.

Justin Bieber, Rob Ford wannabe, was in the same city as the Mayor the other day at which time he was charged with assaulting a limo driver.  What are the chances?  No word on whether or not they got together to smoke a little crack.

Yesterday Mayor Ford got a ticket in Vancouver for jaywalking.  He claims to have been drinking Diet Coke.  Yes, but what was in it?

Asshole

This is Justin Bieber's mugshot.

He was arrested for driving drunk and drag racing earlier today in Miami. He's admitted to having "prescription" drugs in his system.

Doesn't he look happy?  He was probably still intoxicated.

The Beebs has been getting into a lot of trouble lately.

There was that incident where he egged his neighbor's house causing $20,000 worth of damage.  At that time one of his posse was arrested for cocaine possession.  

It's also been alleged the Beebster hired prostitutes in Panama and Brazil.

He probably won't get six months in prison for these charges, but it would be great if they could force him to stop singing.

This is the Ugliest Mess You Will See Today

You may be aware the silly, chauvinistic event known as the Winter Olympics is due to start in Russia shortly.  Especially since it's the Winter Olympics, the athletes need to be dressed.  So Ralph Lauren designed the costumes for the American team.

Seriously.

We've always liked Mr. Lauren's styles, but what the fuck is this?

Not just because the Today Show crew is wearing them, but that does help to add to the air of ridiculousness.

These sweaters or whatever they are look like a K-Mart Blue Light special.

Someone needs to check Ralph for some sort of neurological damage.

Super Balls

Let's face facts.  Gisele Bundchen is an asshole.  If you didn't already know that, you do now.

She was photographed wearing a bikini, carrying her 13 month old daughter on an ATV.  No one was wearing a helmet (do they even make them in lil people sizes?) and she was steering with one hand.

Apparently this isn't the first time Gisele has done this.

She was 'working' in Costa Rica; i.e. taking off her clothes and posing for pictures in a bikini.  Snaps to her for earning millions of dollars for doing just that.

Little Vivian's other parent, Tom Brady, throws a football for a living and he makes a helluva lotta money too.

You can be sure if anything had happened to her whilst Mommy Dearest was riding around with her, Gisele would have figured out how to sue somebody, because that's just how she rolls.