What's goin' on in Leo?

Psalmsing to Complain About

2012-01-27T07:04:00.002-05:00

We've never actually flown on Alaska Airlines, but it seems that the airline has an over thirty year tradition of giving passengers prayer cards with their in-flight meals. Seriously. They offer in flight meals! That in itself is a miracle.

You hand us a prayer card that quotes from Psalms with our sandwich and we're thinking "This baby is gonna crash." Back in the 1970s the head honchos at AA thought it was a great marketing ploy to set them apart from other airlines.

Recently fliers have started to complain about the prayer cards and starting on February 1st the airline will no longer offer them. Were people complaining because only the first class passengers have been getting them since 2006 or were they complaining because it's a bad idea to mix religion and travel? You decide.

UnSealed

2012-01-24T10:46:00.004-05:00

Please believe us when we say we really don't give a shit about celebrity couples. So why are we blogging about the Heidi Klum/Seal break up?

Is it because they are the most ridiculous couple ever? That's such an elusive title in Hollywood where bizarre pairings abound.

It's come to our attention that a lot of people really can't stand Heidi. Meow. Maybe they're just jealous that she's so gorgeous and rich?

The question we have is not "Why did they break up?" but rather "Why were they together?"

To the best of our knowledge no one has ever explained what is wrong with Seal's face. Make no mistake, there is something very wrong with it. He looks as if he got his face caught in between those metal claws inside those amusement park games where you try to grab a stuffed animal.

Was he born like that? Or did he in fact stick his head inside a boardwalk game at some point?

And yeah, we feel sorry for the kids too.

Ghostbusters

2012-01-23T09:13:00.002-05:00

This is Michael West of Fond du Lac, Wisconsin. He was arrested on January 15th after cops responded to a domestic dispute at his home and found his wife bleeding from her nose and crying.

Mrs. West claimed her beloved punched her in the face several times and tried to strangle her. Mr. West claimed his wife fell several times, but then changed his story and said she had actually been assaulted by a ghost.

Stay tuned. TLC will probably be launching a reality show with this premise in the near future.

I'm So Horny I'm on FIRE!

2012-01-22T08:39:00.003-05:00

The Spaniards never seem to run out of ways to torture bulls. Take the dude above and stomp on his head. Oh, oops. Seems one of the bulls already has.

For some reason, the faithful of Spain think a good way to celebrate the feast of Saint Anthony (the patron saint of animals?) is by putting flaming wax on the horns of bulls. Really? Yes, really.

Well, one of the bulls had just about enough of that bullshit and gored one of the 'revelers' and did the tango on his skull.

Bullfighting has been banned in Spain since 2010, but nonsense like this is permitted to continue.

Lego Man Victorious

2012-01-22T08:31:00.002-05:00

What are the people of South Carolina thinking or are they thinking at all?

Newt Gingrich won their state's Republican primary yesterday on the fifteenth anniversary of his being censured and fined by the House of Representatives for his ethics violations to the tune of $300,000. And it came just days after his second wife spilled her guts on national television talking about how he wanted Calista (wife #3) to join them in an 'open marriage.'

Obviously, the voters were not looking to nominate someone of good moral fiber who honors his commitments and always takes the high road.

Bitches!

2012-01-22T08:23:00.003-05:00

Unlucky dude

The other day in Hollywood some pooches were playing with something in a plastic bag which turned out to be the dude's head pictured above.

As it turned out his hands and feet were similarly encased in the area and police were able to ID him by the fingerprints on the aforementioned hands.

The dismembered man is one Hervey Medellin who used to work for Mexicana Airlines. He was 66 years old and retired. His downstairs neighbor reported he heard some scuffling and arguing above him about three weeks ago which no doubt resulted in poor Hervey's demise.

Iowa, New Hampshire and South Carolina -- Oh My!

2012-01-20T08:37:00.002-05:00

Have you been keeping up with your Republican Presidential hopeful news?

To bring you up to date -- Mitt Romney didn't actually win the Iowa caucus by 8 votes. He actually lost to Rick Santorum by 34 votes. How hard is it to actually count votes and get it right?

And we won't have Rick Perry to kick around anymore. He's dropped out of the race and gone back to Texas to lick his wounds. Maybe a few more executions will cheer him up.

Tomorrow is the South Carolina primary. Herman Cain is still on the ballot and Stephen Colbert couldn't get his name on the ballot in time, so he is urging everyone to vote for Cain as a vote for Colbert.

We think this is starting to actually get fun.

Turning Insulin into Gold

2012-01-17T11:55:00.003-05:00

This may shock you, but Paula Deen has Type 2 Diabetes.

The Queen of Qalories, who routinely uses a pound of butter in every dish, was actually diagnosed three years ago during a routine medical exam.

She kept it quiet, she claims, because she "had to figure things out in my own head...I had nothing to give with my fellow friends out there."

What she really means is, she hadn't found a way to turn her misfortune into an instant moneymaker until now.

Paula is now a paid spokesperson for Novo Nordisk and that shouldn't shock you either.

Newt Gingrich: Job Creator

2012-01-17T09:01:00.002-05:00

" Why he looks just like Jesus giving his Sermon on the Mount!"

Let's see now ... GOP debates ... Presidential nomination ... where are we?

Oh yes. Jon Huntsman has dropped out of the race. Mitt Romney took New Hampshire after winning in Iowa. Everyone who's left is getting ready for the South Carolina primary.

Last night there was another debate held in Myrtle Beach, SC. How many have there been so far? Two hundred? Hard to keep track.

Newt Gingrich still thinks that black kids should be hired to replace overpaid, unionized janitors. He doesn't think that's insulting or crazy and apparently the rabid audience agreed with him.

It doesn't matter that would work out to each kid earning $1,200 per year. They'd want to show up for work and that meaty paycheck. Who needs an education when you can sweep your school for $100 a month?

Thar She Goes!

2012-01-17T08:25:00.003-05:00

For those of you who still don't believe that taking a cruise can be hazardous to your health, we offer the recent case of the Italian vessel Costa Concordia, pictured above.

Seems as if the ship's captain, Francesco Schettino, wanted to signal someone on the island of Giglio and brought the ship so close that he ran it aground.

So far there are six are confirmed dead and twenty-nine are missing. The captain fled the sinking ship in a lifeboat while everyone on board had to fend for themselves.

He faces charges of shipwreck, manslaughter and abandoning his vessel. We thinks he should walk the plank.

Want to cancel your cruise yet?

Wonder Years

2012-01-12T08:48:00.004-05:00

Hostess Brands, maker of such almost foods as Wonder Bread and Twinkies, has filed for bankruptcy protection. Again.

Unbelievably, Americans' demand for Sno Balls and Ding Dongs has declined over recent years as they look for more nutritious snacks. Imagine! Who would believe it when you look at the size of us!

Also, workers at Hostess are unionized which most of their competitors are not. Currently Hostess owes the Bakery & Confectionery Union & Industry International Pension Fund about $944.2 million.

The company has been around, in one form or another, for 87 years which is approximately how long a Twinkie will last before it goes bad.

Barbour Loses Mind as Final Act as Governor

2012-01-12T08:23:00.004-05:00

Red neck favorite, Governor Haley Barbour of Mississippi, had to retire because he was limited to serving two terms as the state's governor. Lest he be forgotten quickly, he pardoned over 200 inmates before he left office.

Whereas it's not unusual for outgoing governors to pardon some incarcerated criminals, no one had ever pardoned such a huge number of jailbirds including many convicted of murder.

Thankfully the state's attorney general, Jim Hood, put the brakes on most of the releases.

At first Barbour would not say why he had pardoned so many, but yesterday he did a bit of fancy jawing to explain the inexplicable. Some were released because of medical conditions.

He continued, "The pardons were intended to allow them to find gainful employment or acquire professional licenses as well as hunt and vote. My decision about clemency was based upon the recommendation of the Parole Board in more than 90 percent of the cases."

Unfortunately most of the released convicts are likely to hunt people.

Inmates must publish legal notices in a newspaper for thirty days before they can be pardoned. Additionally, victims must be notified 48 hours before the release of an inmate which should give them enough time to get the hell out of town. Apparently this wasn't done in most cases.

So far only five inmates have actually been released and they worked as trustees in the Governor's Mansion. Four of them were convicted murderers and one was a burglar.

Some are afraid this will make Mississippi look 'backwards.' Yes, it will, but no more than the fact that the state is the fattest in the nation and has the highest rate of teen pregnancy.

A Rose by Any Other Name ...

2012-01-09T10:17:00.002-05:00

This young man was born thirty years ago and named Jeffrey Drew Wilschke. As fate would have it, Jeffrey didn't feel his name fit with his personality so he legally changed it to Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop last October.

When police spotted him in a park in Madison, Wisconsin Thursday, they recognized him as someone they'd arrested last April when they found a loaded handgun on him. He acted suspiciously and sure enough they found a knife, marijuana and drug paraphernalia in his backpack! This violated his probation.

Beezow has a Facebook page which lists his interests as walking, eating, standing and thinking, although we suspect not much of the latter.

Dickless

2012-01-08T08:47:00.006-05:00

We admit to being quite ignorant when it comes to transgendering. We understand a person feels as if they have been born in the body of the wrong gender.

Chaz Bono has had his share of heartache. First of all, Sonny and Cher are his parents. Secondly, he was born a female.

He had a girlfriend during the transgendering which probably means they were lesbians but maybe not. They became engaged. Then his fiancee called off the wedding because she didn't like all the 'male energy' Chaz was exuding. You would think she would have suspected testosterone was going to produce the aforementioned energy.

Then we found out yesterday that Chaz is saving up to buy a penis. Whoa! Doesn't all this transgendering include automatically getting a penis? Isn't that key to claiming manhood?

We have found out that Chaz needs $45,000 to buy a penis and have it attached and workable. He'd really like to pee through it. You know, workable and erectible.

Why doesn't Chaz have $45K? Doesn't Cher have any money to give him or has she spent it all on herself and tying her face behind her head? This is patently unfair.

Didn't Chaz's appearance on Dancing with the Stars earn him at least $45K? If not, he was gypped.

Maybe he could hold a bake sale or car wash. Something.

Still Anonymous in Our Book

2012-01-07T07:36:00.003-05:00

You may have heard that a Hollywood actress is suing IMbD.com because they revealed her true age. Being over forty means no one will want to hire her. Their ruthless invasion of her privacy has jeopardized her career!

Well, Huong Hoang is out of the closet now! You probably don't recognize her Vietnamese name. Her movie star name is Junie Hoang. Sound more familiar? No, not to us either.

She's appeared in such cinematic magic as "Hoodrats Warriors: Hoodrats 2" and "Gingerdead Man: Saturday Night Cleaver." Still not ringing a bell? Well in Hoodrats 2 she appeared as Ghetto Girl 3 and in Saturday Night Cleaver she was Sandy. Still nothing? Are you sure?

Obviously Ms. Hoang's career in slasher movies is going to be in shreds now that it's known that Ghetto Girl 3 is almost ready for her AARP membership.

Junie, you're a damn fine looking woman. If you ever do get your star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame you really should memorialize your face in cement.

Payback is a Bitch

2012-01-06T11:55:00.005-05:00

As you may have heard, perhaps here, Rick Santorum almost beat Mitt Romney in Iowa the other day. All he needed were those doggone nine votes! Ever since he started wearing those sweater vests, the populace seems to adore him. At least, that's what he thinks. He's probably already planning to wear one to his Inauguration.

Problem with Rick is he's an awful bigot. And he can't shut up. So it's not as if he can keep his bias a secret.

First off, he doesn't understand homosexuality. He compares it to men having sex with dogs. He also seems to think gay marriage is akin to polygamy (note that two GOP contenders are Mormons which once upon a time practiced it) and/or pedophilia.

He thinks women should be home in the kitchen or in the bedroom having unprotected sex with their husbands.

He finds it amazing that President Obama ... a black man say [ing] 'We're going to decide who are people and who are not people.'"

In Iowa over last weekend he distinctly said, "I don't want to make black people's lives better by giving them somebody else's money; I want to give them the opportunity to go out and earn the money."

He later denied on CNN that he used the word 'black,' but oh, yes he did. Funny thing with this internet, you can find out pretty easily who is lying.

When he was a senator in 2006, he was very willing to do favors for a Big Insurer, Universal Health Services, a Big Environmental Rapist, Consol Energy and a Big Lobbyist, American Continental Group for which he was repaid with big contracts earning him a lot of money.

Hopefully the folks in New Hampshire will wake up and smell his reality.

You Can Google That

2012-01-04T17:48:00.003-05:00

You may have heard that yesterday was the incredibly unimportant Iowa caucus for Republican presidential hopefuls.

As easily predicted, Michele Bachmann and Rick Perry finished last. Michele immediately threw in the tasteful fingertip towel her husband had selected and Rick went back to Texas to ask Jesus what the hell he should do.

Mitt Romney, the only vaguely electable candidate, finished first but only eight votes (yes, that's right -- eight!) ahead of Rick Santorum. Santorum, who really doesn't like gays (nor they him) came from behind. You can google that.

Now Senator John McCain (you may remember him from the 2008 election) threw his support to Romney who is pictured above wearing blue jeans so that you might be inclined to think this multimillionaire is one of the common folk.

Ron Paul who claims he did not write those vicious newsletters that people in the Way Back Machine have uncovered, came in third.

And now on to New Hampshire!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

2012-01-01T07:12:00.002-05:00

In a sure indication that 2012 is going to be the most fabulous year ever, Mayor Bloomberg and Lady Gaga exchanged smooches in Time Square to welcome in the new year.

Babysitter Fail

2011-12-29T09:53:00.003-05:00

This is what trailer park white trash looks like

There is absolutely nothing even remotely amusing about a nine year old girl being murdered and hacked to bits by a convicted sex offender. Nothing about this story should make you laugh.

For some reason Aliahna Lemmon's mother, Tarah Souders, had Michael Plumadore babysit the child and her two siblings on December 22nd. They were all residents of a trailer park in Indiana. As fate would have it, Plumadore bludgeoned her with a brick who then stashed her in a freezer in the child's grandfather's trailer which was vacant since the old dude had recently died. Afterwards he hacked her to bits and disposed of her remains.

What is stunning is that Ms. Souders had moved into the trailer park (which is teeming with convicted sex offenders) to care for her ailing father who was also a convicted sex offender. The story is they all moved in with Plumadore because Souders' mother had been sick with the flu. Oh, yes. Better to have your daughters exposed to one of the resident perverts than to catch the flu.

There is so much wrong with this situation -- where does one begin? Sterilization is one place.

Got Milk?

2011-12-29T09:39:00.002-05:00

This a picture of NASCAR driver Kasey Kahne who evidently had no idea that milk came out of women's breasts.

Kasey was in the supermarket on Tuesday and saw a woman nursing a baby in the produce section. He was horrified! She obviously should have been in the dairy section.

Seriously, he thought she was 'nasty' and didn't hesitate to tweet all his fans about his run in with uncovered boobs that ruined his appetite.

One follower told him to "Stay classy, asshole," to which Mr. Kahne replied, "And your (sic) dumb bitch."

In order to stay classy, one must start out classy which is not the case here. There is no question that the biggest boob was the one tweeting.

Justice for All

2011-12-29T08:23:00.003-05:00

You may have noticed that we don't have a very favorable opinion of organized religions. The reasons have been highlighted in this blog from one outrageous event to another. Those who believe they have some sort of god-given authority are usually at the forefront of scandalous behavior.

Take Bishop Thomas J. Paprocki, pictured above, with the faux halo behind him. Please. He is the Big Cheese of the Diocese of Springfield, Illinois. The bishop believes that it is better not to help children in need than to allow them to be adopted and/or placed with gay foster parents.

It's always been our opinion that all children deserve to be wanted. Perhaps those given up for adoption or abandoned in the first place were failed the first time, but to abandon them for a second is not forgivable.

Catholic Charities wants to be able to discriminate against gays and lesbian couples who would like to provide homes to children who need them and yet they still want to take the state government's cash. So, because that is not permissible nor should it be, they are closing their doors.

The bigots who find their home in organized religion can discriminate as they want but not when taxpayers are footing the bill for their self-righteous discriminatory tactics.

Some may see that as a kick in the cassock. We see it as justice.

Ultra Nuts

2011-12-27T08:59:00.004-05:00

Can there be much doubt that ultra-religious means ultra-crazy?

Right now there's a battle going on in Israel that would make Rosa Parks proud.

A woman on a bus, Tanya Rosenblit, was told to sit at the back because she is a woman but she refused.

Beit Shemesh is an area of Jerusalem filled with 80,000 ultra orthodox Jews. They want the genders to be segregated. The men of this cult showered police with eggs and rocks during a recent demonstration.

Things they don't want women to do -- be allowed to walk on the same sidewalk as men, sit anywhere they want to on a bus, and wear anything except dresses with high necks, long sleeves and calf length skirts.

Most disgracefully these zealots, comprising 'modesty patrols,' spit on young girls as they walk to school and call them whores if they are not dressed modestly enough.

What is most alarming is that the number of these extremists is growing which must mean that the men and women are having sex, lots and lots of unprotected sex. My advice would be that the segregation these men desire be carried to its maximum degree.

Close those legs, ladies.

Snakes and Mollusks and Reptiles on a Plane

2011-12-27T08:49:00.003-05:00

You know it's not going to be a good day when somebody's luggage is writhing going through the baggage x-ray.

Earlier this month in Argentina, screeners found a Czech national's suitcase filled with 247 critters as he attempted to board a flight to Madrid. Two of the creatures had already died and the others would have if they'd been placed in the cargo hold.

Apparently Karel Abelovsky was part of an endangered species smuggling ring and not very good at his job.

GOP -- Greasy Old Politics

2011-12-26T09:48:00.006-05:00

Now that Christmas is over it's back to politics as usual.

Today's question is: which contender for the GOP Presidential nominee is the slimiest dick? It's a very hard call.

We sort of miss Herman Cain, but alas, there were just too many women in his woodwork.

Let's consider Rick Perry. What do we know about him? He used to hunt at a place called Niggerhead. He likes guns and executing people. His wife seems as unstable as Kitty Dukakis on a bad day and God talks to both of them on a seemingly regular basis. He can't remember three things at a time and his campaign is costing the citizens of Texas $400,000 a day. Most recently he failed to collect 10,000 signatures to put his name on the Virginia primary. That's something he and Newt Gingrich have in common.

Newt has been around a long time so the coating of sliminess is quite thick on his Lego-like body. He likes to get married and usually has future wife lined up before he's finished with current wife. He was fined $300,000 for ethics' violations way back in 1997 by the House -- the first House Speaker to have been so treated. Who says he's not special?

If you need to pick up a little something at Tiffany's and don't have the cash, perhaps Mr. Gingrich would allow you to use his hefty credit line at the famous jeweler's; something he has but doesn't think it's any of your business if you're interested in knowing why he has it. Maybe you should send your worthless, lazy children into the workforce to make that extra cash.

Then we have Dr. Ron Paul. He always seems to be skulking around the sidelines because the media doesn't really take him seriously. Seems that recently he's been having bouts of amnesia. It appears that around 2o years ago he was connected to 'newsletters' which contained anti-gay, anti-Israeli and otherwise racist rants. He doesn't recall them.

Interestingly enough, he is the darling of just about every right wing extremist group in the country so there must be something about him that organizations like Militia of Montana find endearing.

Mitt Romney and Jon Huntsman are Mormons. Does that make them less slimy than the other contenders? Perhaps, but it doesn't necessarily make them less crazy.

We can't forget Michele Bachmann. Just because she's married to a closeted gay man doesn't make her better or worse than the other candidates; however, let us not forget that she is thuddingly stupid.

There are some other declared candidates too, but let's just leave it at this.

Who's the slimeball winner? If only Donald Trump hadn't gone and declared himself an "Independent" he might have been the write-in winner.

Driving Smashed

2011-12-23T10:50:00.004-05:00

This is what remains of the vehicle driven by Margaret Donnelly after she crashed head on into a tractor trailer truck early yesterday morning.

The twenty-five-year old woman was driving the wrong way on the Bruckner Expressay causing others drivers to swerve to get out of her way. Thankfully no one else was injured or killed.

The New York Daily News says there were no indications that Ms. Donnelly was either drinking or speeding.

Seriously?

You don't absolutely have to be drunk to drive the wrong way on a major thoroughfare but it sure does help. When it's three o'clock in the morning drunk driving would seem to be almost a given.

Better Off Dead

2011-12-20T09:16:00.004-05:00

What does an organization do when it's been accused of negating the humanity of women and minorities?

It makes them saints, of course!

Pope Benedict XVI has added seven new dead folks to the latest list of saints declaring they were responsible for 'miracles.' No surprise that one of them is a woman AND a Native American -- thus killing two birds with one stone. Another is an American nun who helped lepers in Hawaii.

God forbid women should be given positions of responsibility in the Church while they're alive. No, let's wait till they're deceased and say they can do magic.

Congrats, ladies!

Pentagram

2011-12-20T08:39:00.002-05:00

A 76-year-old British woman went to the doctor with complaints of stomach related problems. Upon examining her x-ray, her physician, Dr. Oliver Walters, discovered a foreign object in her stomach.

The object was removed and turned out to be a felt tipped pen which could still write after being in her tummy for 25 years. (They don't make those things like they used to.) By the way, the pen was not the cause of her weight loss and diarrhea but they removed it anyway.

What seems odd about this whole affair is that she 'accidentally swallowed a pen' and forgot about it. She was standing on stairs, looking in a mirror while poking at her tonsils with a felt tip pen. As fate would have it, she fell and swallowed the pen.

Now what kind of a nitwit a) stands on stairs while sticking a pen down her throat and b) sticks a pen down her throat.

Perhaps a psychiatric examination is in order.

Pay For Your Own Damn Nipple Rings!

2011-12-18T11:00:00.003-05:00

Do you recognize this man?

Yes, he is the mayor of Southaven, Mississippi. His name is Greg Davis and he probably has some teeth although you can't see them in this picture.

Mayor Davis has been under scrutiny for misusing his city issued and personal credit cards to the tune of $170,000. An audit revealed he used them for expensive dinners and liquor that he expected the city to pay for. Oh, and the trip to the gay sex store in Toronto. He expected Southaven to pick up his $67 tab for whatever the hell he bought there too!

So now he's had to admit that he's gay which probably doesn't sit well with conservative voters. Maybe deep down he wanted to be outed or else he would have paid in cash.

Snort Subject

2011-12-18T10:48:00.002-05:00

Okay, all you tree hugging weirdos who can't be American enough when you have a head cold to take medicine like the rest of us. Using that neti pot to clean out your sinuses is going to kill you.

That's right. Louisiana has chalked up its second death to using the pots because they can cause brain-eating amoebas to enter through your nose.

If you use distilled or boiled water you shouldn't have this problem, but tap water up the schnozz? Not a good idea.

America's Lawman

2011-12-16T10:13:00.003-05:00

This is Sheriff Joe Arpaio of Maricopa County, Arizona. He's just found himself in a heap of trouble with the United States government.

He's been investigated by the Justice Department for the last three years because of the way Latinos are treated in his jurisdiction. Well, damn, they don't look like Americans.

Sheriff Joe, who calls himself 'America's Sheriff,' will find some way to lock you up if you resemble a Mexican. How can that be unconstitutional?

And how come a Latino driver was able to collect $600,000 in damages after a deputy hit him with his patrol car? What is this country coming to?

Will Sheriff Joe have to eat humble pie? Hopefully in a lock up with Latino inmates.

Saturday Morning Quarterbacking

2011-12-16T09:31:00.004-05:00

As further proof that people are stupid, folks are returning the goods they killed for on Black Friday in record numbers.

For every dollar in revenue that retailers made, they will have to give back 9.9 cents in returns. In good times it's more like 7 cents.

Jennifer Kerseten of Miami spent $300 on gifts for her nephews the day after Thanksgiving and yesterday she returned half of them.

Most heavily returned items -- consumer electronics. Maybe you didn't actually need ten smart phones or 3 plasma screen televisions or that $2 waffle iron that you pepper sprayed other shoppers to get your paws on.

If shopping in a frenzy and elbowing other consumers is a sport, fine. Unfortunately we know that's not the case. The frightening truth is that these shopping fools didn't realize they couldn't afford what they were buying.

What is that Sucking Sound?

2011-12-14T08:47:00.003-05:00

We've been following the Long Island serial killer's activities for a year now and the police are no closer to catching the murderer than they were last December.

What they have found are what they believe are the remains of Shannen Gilbert (pictured above) after she'd been missing since May of 2010. The sex worker was last seen running screaming from the home of one Joseph Brewer.

Even though the bones were found just a few miles from where all the other prostitutes' remains were discovered, Suffolk County police say that Ms. Gilbert (if that is who it is) was not murdered by the serial killer. No, they believe she ran away from Mr. Brewer and into the marshes where she stumbled and drowned.

Seriously guys? Did the sheer weight of her lips cause her to topple forward into the sludge where she remained stuck like a catfish? Really?

Sorry, Keystone Cops. Don't believe it for a second.

Get Over It!

2011-12-12T09:30:00.005-05:00

Make no mistake. These octogenarians are mad as hell and they're not going to take it any more!

Why are they upset? Because they were strip searched by TSA agents before attempting to board flying metal cylinders!

Now they were not stripped naked in the middle of Kennedy airport while gyrating under a blue light. They were hiding something under their clothes! As the agents found out, they were only hiding colostomy bags, but still. Have you never heard of setting fire to bags of shit?

And they weren't the only ones! Another old lady was also strip searched! They're going to sue! They're going to get their senators to write new legislation!

Ladies, just because you have lived almost ninety years each and have disabilities, if you want to hurtle through the sky on an aeroplane you are going to have to pull down your pants. Live with it. We are sure that none of the TSA agents (womens like yo'selves) actually enjoyed looking at your skinny, wrinkled asses.

I've Got You Under My Skin

2011-12-08T09:05:00.004-05:00

The Amazing Mr. Takeshi Yamada

You may have awakened this morning wondering, "What am I going to do with all that skin I peeled off myself when I was sunburned?"

Imitation, being the highest form of flattery, you might do what Takeshi Yamada did a couple of years ago. He crafted a two headed baby. After doing that you will want to get to the Bell House in Brooklyn tomorrow night to enter your creation in the sixth annual Carnivorous Nights Taxidermy Contest.

Taxidermy, in case you didn't know, is making a huge comeback. And we don't mean just your run of the mill stuffed moose head hanging in Uncle Billy Bob's living room. We mean bugs posed to look as if they're reading books or cooking or rat terriers posed with jeweled encrusted tiaras.

Organic with a twist.

Cannot wait to see tomorrow night's winners!

Thanks for the tip, Gavetti!

Keeping the Fear in Christmas

2011-12-06T17:03:00.004-05:00

This little Christmas tradition initially sneaked by me. It's called Elf on a Shelf although this one seems to be dangling from a light fixture.

It seems a psychotic mother/daughter duo wrote a book called Elf on a Shelf or the Shelf or some Shelf and self published it. You can buy this blood curdling thriller and a little statue of the elf to move around so your idiot children think the elf is actually hopping from shelf to shelf.

As if 9/11 didn't make your kids paranoid enough, now they have to worry about this little creature watching them from the corners of your home at all hours of the day and night. It sees you when you're peeing and eating your boogers. Then the petite spy hustles back to the North Pole to give Santa an update on how naughty or nice the kids have been that day.

What crazy bullshit is this?

It was bad enough when we just had to worry about the old dude watching us. Now we've got a fleet of elfin jihadists lurking on our shelves.

I've heard the installation of these elves keeps the lid on the misbehaving pre-pubescents. We just think it's perverse. Let's eighty-six this alleged tradition.

The Sorcerer's Apprentice

2011-12-06T07:54:00.002-05:00

Serial grooms, Donald Trump and Newt Gingrich, are the best of friends. This may not surprise you nor should it.

They probably agree on lots of things but let's start first with lazy children. They think poor kids need to get jobs so that they will learn the 'work habit.' This would be unlike their own activities of sucking money out of others by using anal hoses.

Trump is going to give ten poor kids the opportunity to be his paid servants to teach them just how important it is to be an apprentice.

Gingrich, who could find gainful employment as a Macy's Thanksgiving Day balloon albeit as only an annual gig, does not think that children should do heavy, janitorial work, but exactly what other occupations would be off limits is anybody's guess.

Tis the Season

2011-12-06T07:27:00.003-05:00

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire! Corpses buried under gifts!

Seems that a woman named Patty White, who obviously ought to start thinking about joining a Christmas Club, decided to murder family friend, Michele O'Dowd, so she could take O'Dowd's debit cards and hit the holiday sales. Oh, we should mention that when White fell on hard times O'Dowd had taken her in to her South Carolina home, thus proving no good deed goes unpunished.

White then covered up the deceased with a ton o'presents where O'Dowd was discovered by her twin brother.

The twin opined that there was nothing worse than coming home and finding your sister brutally murdered over a stupid debit card. We would hazard a guess that there's nothing worse than finding your brutally murdered sister under the Christmas tree no matter what the reason.

Suspended

2011-12-04T09:25:00.003-05:00

Is it true that some supporters of Herman Cain took their old John McCain campaign posters and just crossed out the "Mc" or are we making that up?

In any event, you will no doubt be broken up to hear that the former Godfather Pizza executive has decided to suspend his campaign to secure the Republican nomination for President.

Ginger White was evidently the last straw. When she came out of the woodwork and said she and Herman had a thirteen year affair, well, Cain got caught with his pants down so to speak. There was no denying all the texts and phone calls he had placed to her at all hours of the day and night. Then there was his admission that he had given her money. In some corners of the world, that's referred to as prostitution.

And when he wasn't stroking Ms. White, Herman Cain had his hands up the skirts of any number of fine ladies.

In true narcissistic form, Cain blames everyone else for his problems. Sexually harassing women is not his problem as long as nobody talks about it. That long term affair would have been okay as long as Ginger stayed on the spice girl rack with her mouth shut.

We sort of wish Mrs. Cain would toss him out on his sorry ass. Publicly and embarrassingly.

The Court of Public Opinion

2011-12-04T09:14:00.002-05:00

For some unknown reason, having a televised interview via telephone with Bob Costas with his attorney sitting next to Costas was not enough for Jerry Sandusky.

Apparently in order to convince everyone of his guilt in the child abuse allegations, he consented to another interview with the New York Times. His attorney wasn't just present for that one. It was actually conducted at his home.

If Sandusky is a moron (which by all indications he is) then his attorney is even worse. Dude should be disbarred.

By his own admission, Sandusky does not understand the word 'boundary.' He admits that he 'wrestled' and 'hugged' these boys and thinks they really wanted him to do that. No, Jerry, nor did they want you to insert your penis into any part of their bodies.

So when do we get to string him up by his ball sac?

Suitable for Framing

2011-11-29T09:43:00.003-05:00

The Scottsdale Gun Club of Scottsdale, Arizona, is sponsoring a real money maker again this year. For only $10 you can have your picture taken with Santa while you clutch a high powered firearm. And who says America isn't the greatest nation in the universe?

You may want to corral your whole family and get them down on there on December 10th. There are some lovely weapons to choose from for the photo op. The pictures are sure to make wonderful Christmas cards.

Ho! Ho! Ho!

Ve Haf Vays of Dealink Mit Y'all

2011-11-27T08:31:00.003-05:00

You may have heard that Alabama has the strictest law in the country regarding immigration. The law, as we all know, was designed to keep Mexicans out of the state, but sometimes other damn foreigners get caught zipping around without IDs.

For instance, the other day a German executive who works for Mercedes, Detlev Hager, was pulled over in a rental Kia that had no tags. Not only was the car traveling without identification, but so was the driver. One of Hager's lackeys was able to procure his papers and the exec from the Fatherland was released soon after his arrest.

This incident took place in Tuscaloosa (site of a devastating tornado last spring) and Alabamians are thinking maybe their law is going to turn out to be a pain in their collective ass. The battle continues in the courts over various segments of the statute.

It may succeed in keeping foreign money out of the state and of course, raises many questions.

The most important one: Why was a Mercedes executive driving a Kia and a rented one at that?

Thanks for the tip, Gavetti!

"Don't Spray Me Bro!"

2011-11-23T09:28:00.004-05:00

You may have seen the video of the pepper spraying cop at the University of California at Davis. As if it was fairy dust, he covered the peaceful protesters as they sat quietly.

Chancellor Linda Katehi is being pressured to resign after the incident. She had reportedly told police not to use force in breaking up the protest.

From this side of the country pepper spray looks a lot like a weapon, Chancellor.

In fact, police seem to be entirely too fast on the button when it comes to pepper spraying demonstrators. At first they couldn't stop tasering everyone. Now it seems the spray can has replaced the tasers.

In any case, Americans have always protested. Otherwise we'd still be singing "God Save the Queen." The only methods that have changed are the way the authorities have attempted to silence the demonstrators.

Thirty Years and Counting

2011-11-20T10:04:00.005-05:00

This is Dennis Davern. He was the captain of Robert Wagner and Natalie Wood's yacht Splendour the night in 1981 when she went missing and was later found drowned.

Despite the fact that Captain Davern has obviously not attended to his personal hygiene in the last thirty years, the LA County Sheriff's Department has found his tale of the events of that night so compelling they have reopened the case.

Captain Davern is blaming Robert Wagner for Natalie's death saying he heard them arguing. Wood's death was declared an accidental drowning since she had been drinking and couldn't swim. He claims that Wagner wouldn't permit him to search the water for his wife using a searchlight. The other passenger on the vessel, Christopher Walken, was Wood's co-star and Davern claims to have heard Wagner accusing him of wanting to sleep with his wife.

Investigations not withstanding, Natalie Wood will still be dead. Without question more copies of the book Davern co-wrote with Marti Rulli will be sold.

Horsing Around

2011-11-18T08:03:00.003-05:00

In some places, having sex with animals is not just a bad idea, it's against the law!

Well listen up, perverts. It can also make your dick fall off.

Seriously though, in rural Brazil apparently there's a lot of sex with animals happening. In fact, almost 35% of the male population reports doing it (and those are the ones who actually admit it).

It seems that those who admit boinking beasts are more likely to develop cancer of the penis, or penile cancer in fancy talk.

Teenaged boys are the most active sexually with animals, but once they start doing the horizontal mambo with women they usually get out of the barnyard.

Mares are the preferred mates but chickens also appear on the list of critters most likely to be screwed.

Thanks for the tip, Gavetti!

Taking the Zoo Out of Zuccotti Park

2011-11-16T09:58:00.003-05:00

Yesterday in an early morning raid, the NYPD stormed Zuccotti Park and got all the Occupy Wall Street riffraff outta there.

Now we admit to having mixed feelings about this occupation. On the one hand we realize that this two month long protest inconvenienced residents and business owners in downtown Manhattan. On the other hand, we think the 1% need to have their asses kicked.

Some protesters have returned albeit without camping equipment. It's just not going to be like the good old days.

Mind Your Own Beeswax

2011-11-15T10:41:00.002-05:00

Apparently American Roman Catholic bishops think it's now safe to come out of the closet since the focus of outraged citizens over pedophilia is now on Penn State rather than the Catholic Church.

Wrong, boys.

The clerical dudes are showing renewed vigor when it comes to opposing same gender marriage and abortions.

Archbishop Timothy Dolan of New York, pictured above, says he sees "in our culture a drive to neuter religion."

Well, yes, you should.

He added that "well financed, well oiled" sectors are attempting "to push religion back into the sacristy."

And yay to that.

This isn't medieval Italy, boys. This is the United States of America where our founders had the foresight to separate church and state. So yes, you should be pushed back into the sacristy. Alone, without any altar boys.

Pedophiles Say the Darndest Things

2011-11-15T10:33:00.004-05:00

Somebody (and we can only assume it was an asshole) advised Jerry Sandusky that it was time for him to do an interview about the allegations against him regarding his raping of young boys.

Really bad idea. Sometimes it's just best to keep your mouth shut.

In an interview with Bob Costas, Sandusky mused that he "shouldn't have showered with those kids." That was as far as he would go in admitting he had done anything wrong.

Seriously, Jerry? Does that mean cleanliness is not next to godliness?

The Lion Sleeps Tonight

2011-11-11T09:18:00.003-05:00

Let's see if we have this straight.

Mike McQueary, pictured above next to Coach Joe Paterno, is sitting out tomorrow's Penn State game as assistant coach, because he's being threatened for reporting that he saw defensive coach Jerry Sandusky boinking a little boy in the team locker room in 1999.

Evidently McQueary reported this to Joe Paterno (who has now been fired after a 40 year career) but not to the police, but those who want to kill him are not upset about that. They only care that he has fucked up Paterno's longevity at the helm of the Nittany Lions.

Oh really, Penn State fans? What the hell is wrong with you people?

Have you no concept that pedophiles and the people who protect them are criminals and should be treated as such? Or are your stupid football games more important than protecting the young?

Never mind. Don't answer that.

"Hey! Have you ever seen a naked man?"

2011-11-08T09:00:00.005-05:00

"We like boys!"

To be fair, you don't have to be a cleric to be a pedophile. You can also be a football coach.

Take Jerry Sandusky late of Penn State. Please. Right to prison where the inmates can have their way with him.

Over a period of fifteen years he is alleged to have molested eight boys -- that we know of.

During a naked shower in 2002, he was seen by a graduate assistant named Mike McQueary molesting a ten year old boy in the team locker room.

McQueary (great name, by the way) and his father reported the incident to Tim Curley, Penn State's athletic director, and later met with Gary Schultz, vice president for finance and business. Despite the eyewitness report, they did nothing to report the incident to Pennsylvania authorities as required by law.

College football god, Joe Paterno, is not believed to have known about the incidents.

Sandusky retired in 1999 to concentrate on his foundation to help at-risk kids, The Second Mile, which one should assume was really organized to give him better opportunities to assault more young boys.

Pizza and Wine

2011-11-08T08:42:00.003-05:00

"I'm so happy I could just punch myself!"

It's beginning to look as if there aren't any women Herman Cain hasn't attempted to grope.

Accuser number five, Donna Donella, has come forward to talk about how Cain tried to ply her with expensive wine at a Godfather Pizzeria in 2002. We didn't know they even had a wine list!

Actually her run in with the presidential hopeful didn't involve him reaching for her genitals like Sharon Bialek's encounter and it all sounds pretty innocuous, albeit sleazy.

Will accuser number six show up before the end of the day?

Troubled Under Bridge

2011-11-08T08:07:00.003-05:00

Can you see the little crazy man dangling from the Tappan Zee Bridge? That's Michael Davitt who was fired from his Rockland County mental health counseling job because --- well, he's nuts.

Getting fired really pissed him off so he made a huge sign that made no sense and lowered himself from the side of the bridge where he dangled for hours, holding up traffic and pissing everyone off.

Just as the police were about to lower him on to a police boat, he jumped in the water and swam away.

Before he could swim upstream to spawn, he was plucked from the Hudson River by a police boat. He was cuffed and taken away.

He is being held in the aquarium for observation.

Running on Empty

2011-11-07T07:09:00.003-05:00

This is what 47,000 people running looks like

We suppose there is a certain mindset to running a marathon that others just don't comprehend.

Yesterday was a beautiful fall day -- perfect for running 26 miles in New York City, through all five boroughs.

Lots of people ran to raise money for charity which is always inspirational. And all the clothes the runners strip off before running are collected and given to naked homeless people.

What intrigued us most was the interview with the men's sixth place finisher, Meb Keflezighi, who has won the event previously. Although his time yesterday was a personal best, Meb attributed not winning to the fact that he had to stop at mile 22 and throw up.

Too bad he wasn't carrying a barf bag. He wouldn't have had to stop.

Worse Than Clarence Thomas

2011-11-03T10:02:00.003-04:00

Wow. Is Herman Cain an asshole! That's a statement, not a question.

Where to begin?

Sure we've all had a few good laughs at his expense. It was hilarious that he had no interest in foreign affairs. The commercial with his campaign manager smoking that ended with him giving his best Ladies' Man smirk was priceless. And he didn't know that China had nuclear capabilities!

Now we find out that Cain was charged with sexual harassment when he was a lobbyist for the National Restaurant Association. First there were two women and now there's a third. A holy trinity of a shit shower for the Republican presidential candidate!

At first ole Herman denied he'd ever sexually harassed anyone and as he usually does he tried to deflect the allegations with a lot of double talk and nonsense. The women settled, one receiving a year's salary, but unfortunately there seems to be a confidentiality agreement and they can't give their side of the story.

Herman blames Rick Perry for leaking the story. Well, Herman, too bad there was something to leak. Cain just opens his mouth to change feet. While denying, denying and denying that anything even remotely like sexual harassment ever took place, he said he'd never invited a woman to his hotel room. Say wha? Who mentioned a hotel room?

The man is just a laugh riot. Unfortunately, some people think he'd make a great POTUS. Uh, no he wouldn't.

Pay Attention, Lawnmower Men!

2011-11-03T09:49:00.003-04:00

Have you ever noticed that for some people life is just a shit show? They can't catch a break?

Jorge Perez was one of those people we suspect although all we really know about him is how he died.

Jorge was 21 and hailed from Guatemala which is not known for its snow skiing.

After working as landscapers all day during the snowstorm on Saturday, he and his cousin were in the back of a truck taking them back to their home base in Queens. They were freezing so Jorge turned on one of the lawnmowers.

Unfortunately, no one ever told Jorge or his cousin about carbon monoxide poisoning. He died. The cousin was rushed to the hospital and his life saved.

Probably the owner of the company never thought he would have to tell his workers not to turn on the equipment in an enclosed space with no ventilation. That was most unfortunate.

KKK

2011-11-01T08:57:00.004-04:00

It is no secret that we're not fans of things Kardashian. Kardashian is a family of media whores and plastic surgery aficionados.

There is a cable station still running Kim's fairy tale wedding and yet she filed for divorce yesterday from her husband of 72 days, Kris Humphries.

Now we know there are people who think that 'gay' marriage is the end of civilization, but seriously -- aren't people like the Kardashians more responsible for civility's demise?

It's long past time for these people to go away. Their fifteen minutes has been up for a long, long time.

Dead Weight

2011-10-31T09:34:00.004-04:00

When a Norwegian Cruise Lines vessel docked in Boston last Friday there were two dead passengers aboard. Surprise!

If you have been paying attention to our blog you will have noticed that we're not big fans of cruises. People have been known to get sick or mysteriously fall off the vessels. However, a two for one deal in the death department is a bit unusual.

The woman who was found dead had been suffering from a long term illness. Okay, things like that will happen to 67 year olds.

However, the man who was found deceased is only 23 years old and his cause of death hasn't been determined.

Now if there were two corpses on an airplane when it landed, we'd never hear the end of it. Why do cruises have lower death standards?

It's Always Shark Week

2011-10-31T09:26:00.002-04:00

People would have you believe that shark attacks are rare, but it seems to us that every time we turn around someone is a Great White's hors d'oeuvres.

Just this past weekend a California surfer was on his board which apparently a shark took to be a serving platter. Fortunately, he survived.

The alleged 'rogue' sharks are tracking the migrating whales. They don't really want to eat people; they'd much rather have a whale.

Hmmmm. But obviously, they will settle for humans. Consider yourself warned. Again.

Boys and Girls Together

2011-10-27T09:49:00.003-04:00

There was a huge uproar when Chaz Bono was voted off Dancing with the Stars this week. In case you've been living on Jupiter lately, Chaz was born a girl named Chastity to Cher and Sonny Bono. Recently Chaz had gender reassignment surgery and is now a man. His parting words after getting the boot were, "I wanted to show America a different kind of man."

Actually, Chaz, we've all seen lots of heavy set white men who can't dance, but we applaud your efforts.

Then this morning I come upon an article about a boy in Colorado who identifies as a girl and who wants to join the Girl Scouts.

At first the Girl Scouts denied the request, but then they relented because they are an inclusive organization and if a child identifies as a girl, even if he has boy parts, they will allow him to sell their cookies.

The first time I heard of a transgendered person was when I was a little girl and there was a lot of talk about Christine Jorgensen, an American G.I. who went to Denmark to become a woman. I remember being puzzled by it, but it must have made an impression on me because I recall it quite clearly all these years later.

Then in the 1970s I read "Conundrum" by Jan Morris who once was James Morris and I was sympathetic to her plight, but of course, unable to really relate to it.

Until Chaz's very public transition I hadn't thought much about that particular type of predicament.

Now I have to wonder just how common it is to feel as if you've been born as the incorrect gender. Do we just hear a lot about it or is really a widespread problem?

Tarp as a Shack

2011-10-25T10:04:00.004-04:00

This man could be your Pop-Pop! If your grandpa was a cocaine dealer, that is.

Actually, this is Leo Earl Sharp. He's 87. You can see the hair growing out of his nose to prove just how old he is.

Seems Mr. Sharp, who calls Indiana home, was pulled over in Michigan where drug sniffing canines discovered 104 bricks of cocaine in his pick up truck.

He told the judge at his arraignment that he was forced at gunpoint to carry the load which is pretty funny since no one was in the truck with him.

No word on where he was headed.

Let's Do Some Shots

2011-10-23T10:10:00.002-04:00

No doubt you've heard by now that Libyan dictator, Moammar Khadafy (which you can spell about a bazillion different ways) was 'taken out' and his body kept in a commercial freezer in a shopping center. Well, it's been confirmed that he died from a shot to the head.

There still is some debate as to how he received the bullet to the brain although must Libyans don't appear to give a shit.

Today is a celebratory day in Libya, officially ending Khadafy's 42 year reign.

No one could rock those Bob Mackie-esque outfits he wore though. Not even Cher. We'll miss those.

Guns and Crazies Don't Mix

2011-10-20T09:20:00.002-04:00

This is a picture of crazy pants Terry Thompson and a couple of his equine buddies. You may have heard about Terry who committed suicide, but not before he released all of the animals he kept on his property.

And no, Terry didn't just keep horses. He had lions and tigers and bears -- oh my!

When his 73 acre insane asylum in Zanesville, Ohio was raided three years ago, federal agents found 133 weapons and because of that he spent a year in prison having just been released on September 30th. As you may have guessed, his suicide weapon of choice was a gun.

The authorities in Zanesville killed all the animals that Thompson released except for those that had already killed each other. That's the saddest thing about this whole mess, in our humble opinion.

Before this tragedy there had been numerous complaints against Thompson concerning his treatment of the animals and nothing was done. Now, quite obviously, it's too late.

Our Hearts Stop Beating as One

2011-10-20T08:59:00.005-04:00

This is a picture of Gordon and Norma Yeager, a couple from Iowa who were together for 72 years until their deaths last week.

Seems the media can't get enough of the story of these two darlings who must have been in their nineties at the very least.

Last Wednesday Gordon pulled his car into the middle of a busy intersection causing an accident. The duo were rushed to the hospital where they died holding hands.

Their family decided at their wake to jam them both into one casket so they could hold hands. They will be cremated, their ashes mingled and their remains buried. Snaps to the family for their economical handling of the funeral arrangements.

What has not been discussed is why Gordon was still driving and how many people he either injured or killed by sort of forgetting what the hell he was doing. Seriously, what was the old guy still doing operating a motor vehicle? The Yeagers might have had a few good years left together.

G-String

2011-10-18T08:56:00.004-04:00

And you thought Scrabble was just a nice little game with letters on tiles, making words and scoring points. Not when it comes to the World Championship, friends!

The 2011 World Scrabble Championship was held in Warsaw and these two dudes got into a bit of a squabble. Seems the Thai guy accused the British guy of palming a "G" tile and demanded that he be strip searched. Authorities refused, but coincidentally the alleged cheater won by one point.

Neither one of them became champion, however. That honor and $20,000 went to a New Zealander, Nigel Richards, who racked up 96 points with the word 'omnified' and won with a final score of 476 points.

Trading People Like Baseball Cards

2011-10-18T08:45:00.004-04:00

This one dude is worth 1,027 Palestinians. Wow.

He's Israeli soldier Gilad Schalit and he is being traded by Hamas militants for Palestinian prisoners. A lot of them. We guess that makes Gilad feel really special. He'd been held for over five years.

Politics and life in the Middle East is complicated at best and we don't claim to understand most of it; however, it is interesting that some watchers have opined that this trade happened because of the unrest that the region has seen, in Egypt for example.

Anyway, mazel tov, Gilad. Bibi did good by you.

Have I Got a Baby for You!

2011-10-17T12:18:00.003-04:00

Under the fascist regime of Generalissimo Francisco Franco (yes, he's still dead), babies were routinely trafficked by the Catholic Church in Spain. Oh, say about 300,000 of them over the course of fifty years.

Mostly young and unmarried, the mothers were told their babies had died although they were never allowed to see the remains (sometimes a frozen baby corpse would be whipped out to fool them) or attend the funerals. The children were then sold to families deemed more 'appropriate.'

All of this has gradually come to light after the Spanish government took over the regulation of adoptions in 1987.

A BBC documentary concerning this misappropriation of power and money will be broadcast this week on BBC2.

Flaming Idiocy

2011-10-17T09:18:00.003-04:00

First off, could we please stop calling auto racing a sport? It is not, no more than jumping off a bridge is one.

This is a picture from the latest racing crack up over the weekend. Some of the drivers say it was the worst crash they'd ever seen and we have no doubt it was. Until the next one, that is.

Racer Dan Wheldon was killed. We understand he won the Indy 500 this year and in 2005.

Driving around in a circle at very fast speeds is ridiculous. Have you ever tried to enter a traffic circle in New Jersey? Same thing, except you don't win a $5 million prize, you just escape with your life which for some of us is enough.

Shall we start on NASCAR again? Even more idiotic except your entire car is plastered with huge product logos.

Let's burn as much fossil fuel as possible in the form of gas, oil and tires and see how many people can be injured or die.

Fabulous. And we thought the Romans were barbarians.

Up and At 'em

2011-10-16T10:39:00.003-04:00

This is a picture of retired Monsignor Thomas Brady. He's 78 years old and very sick. No, physically ill. He's had several strokes in recent years and is currently undergoing chemotherapy for lung cancer.

His parishioners don't believe he could possibly have done what he's been accused of doing -- attempting criminal sex acts with two teenaged boys on Thursday.

Well, we'll hope this is all sorted out in a court of law in the near future.

In the meantime, we were just wondering if any pedophile priests ever need Viagra or are they always up and ready? We get a lot of spam messages for pharmaceutical stiffeners that we really don't need mainly because we don't have a penis. Just wondering if their in-boxes are filled with them too.

Amen!

2011-10-16T08:07:00.003-04:00

A Kansas City bishop has been charged with failure to report suspected child abuse. Can you say, "AMEN!?"

Robert W. Finn was indicted by a grand jury on Friday. As recently as last December, Finn admitted he knew of a pornographic photograph of a young girl taken by one of his priests, Rev. Shawn Ratigan. Ratigan tried to commit suicide after the picture was discovered on his laptop, but unfortunately failed.

If convicted, Bishop Finn faces monetary fines. He has vowed to fight the charges.

Interestingly, he also vowed three years ago to report suspected abusers as part of a $10 million settlement with abuse victims in Kansas City. That particular promise apparently meant nothing..

Lone Star Loons

2011-10-14T08:18:00.003-04:00

If we believed in God, we would be getting pretty pissed off right about now that the Supreme Being seems to be spending an inordinate amount of time chatting up the Perrys.

According to the First Lady of Texas, Anita Perry, God personally told her that her husband needed to run for President of the United States.

And so she encouraged him to run, even though (according to her) their lives are a personal hell, a regular shit show as it were. You see, the Governor is a target because he is such a good Christian.

Word of advice, Anita. If God keeps trying to ruin your life, opt out. Remember free will?

A-Mazed

2011-10-13T07:32:00.003-04:00

We were just discussing corn mazes the other day! That the idea of being stuck in a corn maze strikes us as being truly terrifying.

Well, it appears our fears are well founded and not just a product of our own special brand of paranoia.

A family of three (Mama, Papa and three week old infant) became lost in a corn maze at Connors Farm somewhere in Massachusetts but luckily had a cell phone with them. Mama Bear called 911 three times begging for rescue. They had entered the maze during daylight hours and then darkness fell like a scythe on an unsuspecting neck.

The coppers showed up and rescued them. Turns out they were but a mere 25 feet from the exit, but that's beside the point.

Stay out of corn mazes, people! Even the owners of farms don't really give a shit if you come out alive.

Devil's in the Details

2011-10-12T09:11:00.004-04:00

The Republican presidential hopefuls had themselves another debate last night. Governor Mitt Romney is all proud of himself because Governor Christie endorsed him and there's talk of a Governor Sandwiches selection as the VP nominee if Romney gets the GOP nod.

Meanwhile there's still Herman Cain who missed his chance to be the first black President. He's never been elected to anything. Instead he was the big cheese at Godfather's pizza. He knows absolutely nothing about anything outside of the US of A and if you're looking for someone who does, you best find yourself another nominee.

And of course, there's always Michele Bachmann who suggests that if you turn Cain's 9-9-9 economic plan upside down (6-6-6) you'll see the Devil in the details.

If you look at Cain's surgical scar from his colon cancer surgery (he was stage 4) you'll notice it looks like the letter 'J,' which means that Jesus is watching over him.

Ah, yes. The Christian card. Will Romney's Mormonism be a problem? Stay tuned.

Till Dessert Do Us Part

2011-10-06T08:56:00.003-04:00

Twenty years ago, this woman, a former model named Omaima Nelson, murdered her husband while wearing a red hat, red heels and red lipstick, dismembered him, and snacked on his body parts. She actually ate his ribs with BBQ dipping sauce, fried his hands to remove his fingerprints and stuck his head in the fridge -- after she'd stuck it several times with a blade.

Well, Omaima was denied parole at a hearing yesterday in California. It's hard to believe, isn't it? She's a born again Christian now! She claims to have been a battered woman but she and hubby were newlyweds and she had a boyfriend with whom she planned to skip town with the Mr.'s credit cards and money.

Other than the fact that we'd never heard about this crime before today, the most amazing part of the story? That Omaima was a model! A model for what, pray tell? Gourmet Magazine?

A Rock by any Other Name

2011-10-03T12:31:00.005-04:00

Hailing from the New York Metropolitan area, we profess we are sometimes ignorant as to how things are done in other parts of the United States of America.

It appears that in Texas people have hunting clubs where they presumably go to hunt and hopefully not shoot each other. Further, these hunting clubs have names. One might think they'd be called things like "West Texas Hunting Club" or "Dallas Hunting Club," but no, they have names like"Niggerhead."

At least that was the name of the Perry family's hunting club and some locals still call it that, despite the fact that some time after Rick entered the public political arena his daddy tried to paint over the rock that bore the name "Niggerhead." He did a less than spectacular job since you can still see it under the white paint.

GOP Republican Presidential candidate hopeful, Herman Cain, who is also the only black GOP contender, called Rick Perry out on this. Even in the 1980s when the rock was painted to cover up the "N" inscription, it was a good fifteen years beyond the heart of the civil rights movement. Surely before 1981 a politician would have had the sense to have the rock pummelled into tiny pieces of gravel lest it come back to hit him over the head when he wanted to be President of the United States thirty years later.

A Glue Gun Pointed at Her Head? Seriously?

2011-10-03T09:48:00.003-04:00

We have always thought that having Martha Stewart for a mother was probably a very bad thing, and apparently, we were correct.

Martha's only child, Alexis, has written a book about her family's famous felon and it seems that Martha was guilty of doing worse things than insider trading.

For instance, she refused to close the bathroom door when using the throne and Mommie Dearest made her daughter wrap her own Christmas presents.

That's it? Seriously.

No wonder Martha isn't pissed off at her daughter. Sounds like a pretty innocuous 'tell all.'

The Eyes Have It

2011-10-03T09:35:00.004-04:00

Yesterday in a church in Viareggio, Italy, during Mass and just before the priest was about to give his homily, a man caused quite a commotion by gouging out his eyes.

Aldo Bianchini, 46, collapsed in a pool of blood after his self-mutilation. He was rushed to the hospital where doctors tried to save his sight. Allegedly, he was advised to rip his eyes out by the voices in his head.

Now the priest went right on celebrating Mass but quite a few of the congregation had to leave because they were traumatized.

We are reminded of the story of St. Lucy (a Sicilian chick) who gouged out her eyes when some emperor or somebody wanted her to look at something 'dirty.' Maybe Aldo had just seen the latest issue of Playboy and thought this was a chance at sainthood.

Eight is Enough

2011-09-28T09:59:00.004-04:00

Hard to believe this charming couple had their eight children taken from them and placed in foster care in New York. Mama is Shanel Nadal and the Papa is Nephra Payne.

Shanel and Nephra kidnapped their kids from foster care and took off for points unknown. Seven of the children are boys and are named Nephra after their father. There's one girl and her name is Nefertiti. Looks like mom and dad went to the George Foreman school of Krazy Monikers and Self Absorption.

No word on why the kids were removed from their custody in the first place although giving them the same name should be enough cause.

Although the dynamic parenting duo claims their children were being abused while in the foster care system, there is no word on whether they reported that to authorities before grabbing them, stuffing them in a van and hightailing it to South Carolina. Authorities were able to trace their movements by swipes of their welfare card. However, it was the use of the cell phone that showed them to be in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania where they were finally captured.

Apparently they fed the kids a nutritious mixture of KFC, Wendy's and baby formula while living in the van.

Papa Bear keeps faking unconsciousness to keep from answering questions so it may take a while to get any information out of him.

Au Revoir, Andy!

2011-09-28T09:47:00.004-04:00

There was a time when we thought Andy Rooney would never give up his stint on CBS' 60 Minutes. You know, the five minutes or so when the old dude complains about all those new fangled things like indoor plumbing and electricity.

Fear not! The 92-year-old journalist is throwing in his Depends and retiring from the show.

We can't say we'll be sorry to see him go. He was always like the cranky relative who'd show up at your birthday party, talk incessantly, ruin everyone's good time and give you a crappy gift besides. He's been doing his shtick for 32 years which is really quite enough.

More than enough.

Bang! Bang!

2011-09-26T12:05:00.003-04:00

The craziest shit happens in Indiana. We were just reading about five people being shot in two different houses in Laurel and cops don't know whether or not there's a killer on the loose. Oh really? Our guess would be a resounding "Maybe."

Then we happened upon an article about an 11-year-old girl shooting her older sister over the weekend. The kid claims it was accidental and that she was mimicking the show "CSI."

Well if that story isn't full of holes just like her sister! What self respecting eleven year old watches "CSI?" Don't you have to be over fifty to watch it and be able to prove it?

Trifecta

2011-09-23T13:02:00.004-04:00

Preaching to the choir

Are they having these ridiculous GOP debates every week? Is that because it's like a sit com?

We have to admit we haven't seen any yet because, quite frankly, we'd prefer to stick steel spikes in our eyes and sticks of dynamite in our ears. But that's just us.

Apparently in last night's episode, former Tea Party darling, Michele Bachmann, who we understand used to be a tax attorney, opined that nobody should be paying taxes on their income. You earned that money, you should be able to keep it. Interesting stance.

Last night the bloodthirsty mob that showed up for the debate in person booed a gay soldier. This follows the first debate rabble's cheering Governor Rick Perry's 234 executions in Texas and last week's knuckle draggers' delight in having people die if they can't afford health insurance.

In many ways, the unwashed viewers are far more interesting than the debaters, but not in a good way.

Texas Cuts Costs

2011-09-23T10:22:00.003-04:00

If you're planning on committing capital murder in Texas just so you can have a big old fancy last meal before your execution, you can just forget about it. Haute cuisine is coming to an end for those on death row.

Take the case of white supremacist Lawrence Brewer who was executed on Wednesday for the 1998 murder of a black man.

For his last meal Larry, ever the gourmand, requested a triple meat bacon cheeseburger, a meat lover's pizza, a big bowl of okra with lots of ketchup, a pound of barbecue, half a loaf of bread, peanut butter fudge, a pint of ice cream and two chicken fried steaks.

Wouldn't you know, when they brought it to him he said he wasn't hungry!

So from now on you murdering sons of bitches will get standard prison fare before they lethally inject you. We're not going to have you blow the state budget with your outrageous requests.

You Cannot Make This Shit Up

2011-09-21T13:56:00.003-04:00

Remember the television show where wildly mismatched couples would swap wives and all havoc would ensue? Those crazy people who said their kid was launched in a balloon were on it? It was called Wife Swap? Okay, well, never mind. There is now Celebrity Wife Swap.

In case you doubted the end of the world as we know it is just around the corner, crazy, meth head closeted homosexual preacher Ted Haggard will be swapping his wife for Gary Busey's. Who is less insane? That will probably be answered in sixty minutes minus commercials.

We cannot wait.

Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of the Presidency

2011-09-19T09:24:00.005-04:00

What's not to like about Governor Rick Perry you may ask? He's good looking in that gnarly Texas fashion, he loves Jesus, he thinks Social Security is a Ponzi scheme and he wants to be the President of the United States! Why shouldn't we just turn the country over to him right now?

God talks to him too. God told him to stay in Texas by sending 30 inches of rain after sending a drought to get him the hell out. That God! Always changing His mind.

And of course, the Governor is very pro-life. Well, let's rephrase that. He's very anti-choice when it comes to abortion. He ponders how you can get up and look at yourself in the mirror every day if you can't be for life? The fact that 234 people have been executed under his governorship is beside the point. People flock to Texas because it's so dang hard to get an abortion there. It's being out of utero when it gets tough to be a Texan.

Gravity -- Not Just an Idea -- It's the Law

2011-09-19T08:52:00.004-04:00

This weekend was not a good time to go to an air show.

We don't know much about air shows except that they take place in the air and people go to watch them. Sometimes planes race each other, sometimes they do stunts and sometimes, unfortunately, they crash.

Like during the air show at Reno, Nevada yesterday. An old World War II plane plummeted to the ground and exploded, killing a few people and injuring even more.

There was also a crash at another air show in West Virgina on Saturday. Only the pilot was killed so we suppose those spectators consider themselves lucky.

Could you people tell us why you attend these events? Do you go to see 'death defying' stunts or do you wonder if you can defy death? Just curious.

What Were We Talking About?

2011-09-15T11:54:00.002-04:00

Human liver spot, Pat Robertson, is at it again. He's talking, and you know when that happens trouble can't be far behind.

Pat has told his "700 Club" viewers that it's all right to divorce your spouse if he or she is suffering from Alzheimer's because the disease is a kind of death.

So much for the old "better or worse" crap, right, Pat? Would this fall under the category of "family values?"

No Way, Norway

2011-09-15T11:47:00.002-04:00

As if Norway hasn't had enough crap to deal with, news comes about a fire on a popular Norwegian cruise.

All of the injured and dead are crew. The passengers are safe which may give them a false sense of security.

Perhaps the Norwegians do not know that cruise ships are floating death traps. If you're not being thrown overboard, catching some horrible virus from your fellow passengers, being taken hostage by pirates, they may catch fire.

Reach for the Stars

2011-09-14T09:24:00.003-04:00

See the nice TSA screeners. They are smiling because they don't want the baby they are patting down to start screaming. See the mommy holding the baby. She is smiling too! The nice agents just want to make sure that all the baby has in its diaper are poo poo and pee pee and not an explosive.

The Department of Homeland Security is going to start easing up on the screening procedures for children. Kids twelve years of age and younger are not going to be required to take off their shoes.

Great. Well I guess we know now where terrorists are going to hide their shoe bombs.

Apparently this furor over kids being searched erupted after a six-year-old girl showed up on a YouTube video complaining about being searched.

Moms and dads, it's up to you to stop this nonsense.

"Let the nice agent pat you down, sweetie, or we're not going to Disney World."

Problem solved.

Bad Boys

2011-09-13T10:28:00.002-04:00

The Vatican has been named in an International Court Complaint in The Hague filed by human rights attorneys and victims of clerical sexual abuse.

Rock on with your bad selves.

The complaint urges the investigation of Pope Benedict XVI and three other top ranking Vatican officials for abetting and covering up the rape and sexual assault of children by priests. It names five cases specifically from the international arena where these crimes against humanity occurred.

Even if the Court refuses to hear the case on the basis that it does not have jurisdiction, attention will be focused on the big, bad boys at the top of the heap which may be the best the plaintiffs can hope for.

A Rose by Any Other Name

2011-09-13T10:11:00.004-04:00

Didn't you just know this was going to happen?

One of the victims of the 9/11 attack at the World Trade Center had his name misspelled on the memorial and his family is having a hissy fit.

Jeffrey Schreier's first name is misspelled, not his surname. The memorial says "Jeffery."

His brother-in-law, David Hart, says he thinks Jeffrey is looking down from heaven and saying, "Can't you get my name right?"

We would hope not, David. We would hope he wasn't a shallow little shithead as you appear to be.

Of course we have to have the freaking Holocaust dragged into this. Seems the Harts lost many family members in the Holocaust and they can't visit their graves either. Wow what a cloud of shit is following Jance and David around. It sucks to be them.

Buying the Cow

2011-09-12T09:08:00.004-04:00

Well, at least we found out who Elisabetta Canalis is. She's going to be on this season's Dancing with the Stars because she used to be George Clooney's flavor of the month. Mystery solved!

Now George has another girlfriend named Stacy Keibler. Yes, he's old enough to be her father.

Clooney has made it very clear he will never marry again and I would bet a subscription to People magazine that every time one of his girlfriends starts pressuring him to either marry or impregnate her, she gets tossed like yesterday's cannoli. There is an endless queue of beautiful women who apparently would like a chance to be his woman of the week. Why would he change his modus operandi?

So George -- enjoy. Stacy, we'll expect to see you soon on DWTS.

Playing with Fire

2011-09-12T08:53:00.003-04:00

The media seems to have decided that Governor Rick Perry of Texas will be the Republican Presidential nominee and then will be elected President of the United States.

Not so fast, people.

Perry's office announced he would be holding a press conference to specifically address the problem of the fires that Jesus has sent to burn Texas to the ground. Unfortunately, Perry didn't show up.

He has left the state to go fundraising in South Carolina and then to California. Things are going well for him in convincing those 'job creators' to give him lots of money. So well in fact, that a member of his fundraising committee actually said it was 'going like wildfire.'

It ain't over till it's over.

Home Shopping Network ...

2011-09-11T10:17:00.004-04:00

http://www.hsn.com/todays-special_xh.aspx?cm_re=Mods-_-RightSide-_-TS_Sept11NationalMedal

wins for the tackiest entry in the 9/11 category of exploitative crap.

Dear Sweet Jesus. Who the fuck needs this shit?

Out of the $139.95 price tag, a whole ten bucks is being contributed to the National 9/11 Memorial and Museum.

Wow.

The silver medal is made in the US of A, but the lovely wooden box (as you may have already guessed) has been made in China.

Child Protective Services Fail

2011-09-11T09:59:00.003-04:00

We don't know anything about a place called Berwyn, Illinois except that apparently it is a place where you can be totally insane, hoard two hundred animals in your small home, keep your children virtual prisoners until they become fatally ill and no one will do a thing.

Someone (perhaps the mother) called officials when a fourteen-year-old boy named Matthew Degner was 'unresponsive' at the squalid home. He was taken to a hospital where he later died from bronchopneumonia.

Matthew had three teenaged sisters who were also sick and removed from the home.

They had lived there for eight years, never went to school, were severely malnourished and had never had medical care.

Officials found over 200 animals including cats, monkeys, birds, raccoons, squirrels, dogs and rabbits living in the home. Most of them were mean and sick.

Needless to say, the 1100 square foot building was a disgusting, feces-covered hell hole.

Obviously, one is hoping the mother will be punished to the extent that her mental illness (whatever the hell it is) will allow. This is one time we'd like to turn someone over to Rick Perry.

America: Land of Opportunists

2011-09-10T17:37:00.003-04:00

If you had reached the age of reason and weren't in a coma on the aforepictured September day, you remember where you were and what you were doing when you first heard that a jet had struck one of the World Trade Center towers. This might not be true if you don't live in or weren't a citizen of the United States, but for those of us who call this country home, we remember.

So now it appears on the tenth anniversary of this tragic event that we need reminders of that horrific day in the form of patriotic napkins, hair scrunchies and day-glo posters.

Do we really, people?

And do we need television programming for days leading up to the ten year marker so that we can relive every dreadful, painful moment of that day?

We need coins minted with the images of the towers about as much as we need bombs in our anal cavities.

It would be so lovely, tasteful and dignified, if we could each do our remembering privately. There isn't a chance in hell we're actually going to forget.

Hot Tub Death Machine

2011-09-07T09:44:00.002-04:00

Things can get a little bit crazy in Arkansas, just ask Mike Huckabee and Bill Clinton. On second thought, ask the gentleman pictured above, Brett Cummins. He's the weatherman on KARK --Little Rock.

Brett just had his worst nightmare come true.

He woke up in a hot tub with a dead guy next to him whose head was resting on Brett's shoulder. Oh, and the dead guy was naked. And wearing a dog collar.

There was another man involved who discovered the two in the jacuzzi. When he woke Brett up, the meteorologist went batshit and proceeded to puke all over the place.

KARK said that Brett would not be on the air yesterday because he was mourning the loss of his friend. Seriously. My guess is he won't be on today either because he'll be mourning the loss of his job.

Pray Tell

2011-09-07T07:39:00.004-04:00

In case you hadn't heard, Texas is on fire.

There's nothing even vaguely amusing about that; however, what is worthy of a snigger or two is Texas's Governor Rick Perry.

Perry held a pray-in last June to ask Jesus to please send rain to his drought stricken state. Then he held another pray-in for some reason just before he decided to run for the Republican presidential nomination.

Well, Governor, not only didn't Jesus send your state any rain but now HE'S SET IT ON FIRE.

Sure doesn't look as if he wants you to be President. In fact, it doesn't look as if he wants you to be Governor.

The Kids Love the Murphy?

2011-09-07T07:30:00.004-04:00

Seems there's been a real problem in getting people to tune in to the annual Oscars. Could it be that folks just don't want to watch the tacky musical numbers, the endless speeches, the usual suspects.?

Apparently, we have director Brett Ratner to thank for signing Eddie Murphy to host next year's event because Murphy is appearing in Ratner's newest film.

Eddie Murphy hasn't been funny in seventeen years, at least. The younger viewers that the producers want to attract don't even know who the hell he is.

Thanks, but no thanks. We'll sit out this four hour shit show.

Bat Check in Aisle Four

2011-09-04T08:48:00.004-04:00

As further proof that you should never, ever set foot in a Walmart, let us take the case of five- year-old Zoe Zachrison. Please. And let's take it all the way to the Supreme Court.

Zoe was with her mom as they shopped in a Walmart in Minnesota when a bat (as in the flying vermin kind) attacked her and bit her on the leg. Since then she has had to undergo painful rabies shots.

Her mother thinks Walmart should at least pay her medical tab, but Walmart has a very elaborate claims process and blah blah blah.

Silly, silly, Walmart. You should pay the bill and give her all the toys and cheap crap she could ever possibly want. Well, maybe this will help put you out of business. Something should besides your own ineptitude.

This Little Piggie Went Swimming

2011-09-01T08:27:00.003-04:00

We don't recommend going swimming in Vancouver any time soon. Seems that for the eleventh time in four years a human foot has washed up on shore in either Vancouver, Canada or Vancouver, USA.

Usually clad in running shoes, police don't seem to be very concerned about these feet. Seems that when a corpse is immersed in water eventually the hands and feet come off. Oh, and also the head. Hmmm. Did not know that.

The question that begs to be asked, we think, is why are there so many corpses off the coast?

In addition to the human body parts, animal feet have also been found in running shoes. Police instantly surmised those were mere hoaxes and now they are suspicious of the human feet discovered in trainers.

They are also cleverly investigating whether or not the DNA matches in any of these findings. People, humans have but two feet.

One of the feet found off Canada belonged to a depressed man who went missing a year ago so the investigators think he may have committed suicide. Not to worry people! No serial killer here!

It's not just men losing their appendages. One of the feet was identified as belonging to a woman. Perhaps it was the nail polish that tipped them off.

A Reason to Go on Living

2011-08-30T09:50:00.003-04:00

It seems we may have missed a few seasons of Dancing With the Stars, but what the heck. The cast of characters just keeps getting better and better.

Take the lineup for the upcoming season. Please. And put them all in body casts.

Per usual, we don't know who half these people are.

Nancy Grace will be dancing her little hoofies to the quick, and no doubt trying to get someone into prison.

Ricki Lake. We liked her better when she was fat.

Chynna Phillips who we think was once part of that fabulous singing group Wilson/Phillips.

The other women are Kristin Cavallari, Hope Solo (any relation to Han?), and Elisabetta Canalis. Absolutely no idea what any of them have done that might merit them a slot on DWTS and not interested enough to Google them.

The guys?

Rob Kardashian who we assume is related to those women with the huge breasts whose names all start with "K." Why isn't he Kob?

Carson Kressley. We so loved him on Queer Eye.

David Arquette. Yeah, we've heard of him! He was married to Courtney Cox and then got a disease which caused him to to insert his penis in other women.

Ron Artest and J.D. Martinez? Okay.

And last, but not least, Chaz Bono! Sonny and Cher's transgendered child!

Something for everyone! Hallelujah!

Mouth Trots

2011-08-30T07:51:00.002-04:00

Apparently Michele Bachmann keeps saying stupid things because she never stops talking.

Can't somebody shut her the fuck up?

After the mid-Atlantic states and part of New England suffered through an earthquake and then a devastating hurricane, Michele decided to share her infinite wisdom and proclaim that these events were messages from God to scare Congress into action.

Now she says she was 'just kidding.'

Well, Michelle, we're not kidding when we say you're an idiot.